I may not be firmly in his bony grip yet, but he certainly has me locked and loaded in to his GPS, so it's just a matter of time ... here's hoping he's not in any great hurry and, when he finally does arrive, comes bearing cheesecake and cronuts.
One thing he did send ahead, however, was failing eyesight, the only benefit of which seems to be that I can barely see my rapidly sprouting grey hairs.
Just what every girl wants - BOB status (blind old bat) - but I can't say I'm losing sleep over not sending him a "thank-you" card. No, instead of that, I'm losing sleep because my ageing bladder has taken on a life of its own, resulting in multiple late-night calls that just won't go unanswered.
Short of an answering machine (aka incontinence pants) or caller diversion (aka a catheter), I just don't see any way around it. If I had my way, though, a complete disconnection would be the best option. Bladders ... highly over-rated in my opinion.
Add to the above aching arthritic joints and it's clear that I already have one foot in the grave. Now, if only the lifeforms were around to help steady me, I could lift the other leg and gingerly lower myself in amid a chorus of moans and groans.
Although, if the lifeforms were around, I'm quite sure a good push from them would achieve much the same result in half the time and be 10 times more entertaining.
I can only imagine what other signs of ageing I have to look forward to, assuming by then I can still see at all.
Adding prunes to my shopping list will be a highlight, I'm sure, and I can actually see - though maybe not literally - some positives to hearing loss, especially where the kids are concerned.
So far, the old grey matter appears to have avoided injury in this full-out body assault. Fingers painfully crossed that it stays that way - it may not be the brightest brain in the bunch, but between cryptic crosswords and the creative imaginings of a forty-something it certainly gets a good daily work out.
I never thought that the leap from spring chicken to silly old chook would be such a short one - or maybe I did, but senile dementia has meant that I have no memory of it.
Before I wrap things up and stagger off for my afternoon nap, I'd like to share a wonderful website with you that is great for grey matter of all ages.
I came across it a few years back. It's a rare find - a website that is fun, free, educational and, better yet, humanitarian to boot. Every correct answer you give is rewarded with a rice grain donation to starving countries - the website, if you haven't heard of it, is: www.freerice.com
So, feed your brain and the less fortunate - and if you fancy sending any feedback to me, my email is investik8@gmail.com
Large print emails would be greatly appreciated.
Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, seeking total world domination before the Grim Reaper intervenes
