Handy hints to help handle casual racism

The "blood moon" from last week's eclipse as captured by Alan Ramsay of Marton.

In the week since daylight saving ended, my boys and I have started sitting on the deck on clear nights and looking up at the stars before bed.

The first night we did it, I realised they had probably never really gazed up at the sky's lights, and their realisation of what was there was joyful.

So this week with the blood moon considerately scheduled not too late for pre-schoolers, I was excited to show them something special, but the Taranaki rain kicked in, so no evening show at our place.

Now before I start sounding like one of those parents, I'd also like to own up to yelling at my children this week.

I don't understand why some nights they are little angels and on others they seem to find and push my buttons instantly. I guess the reality is it's more about me - being tired, trying to do too much, or being grouchy about something.

Anyway, yelling doesn't work, so I remind myself to practise the quiet, calm approach.

I find myself doing a Kath & Kim, Aussie accent and all: "Look at me, look at me ..." But it works. It stops my boys from whatever funk they're getting into, we make eye contact and start again.

Parenting is not that different from managing people in a workplace. The old refrain of "stop, think and ask what's going on" helps more than coming in over the top and trying to dominate.

And with my youngest now able to quite clearly explain his needs, even if they are nonsensical, I can listen then respond. When I slow down and listen to my kids, even when they are frustratingly behaving like children (!), I not only get better results, I am role-modelling the ways they'll need to operate in the adult world - or "the world", as I like to call it.

So what do I teach them when confronted with that Kiwi malingerer, casual racism?

What do I do when a complete stranger mocks my attempt at correct pronunciation of the town where I live, Oakura, and throws in an unsolicited bigoted observation to top it off? Does he think I will share his prejudice because I share his skin colour?

This weekend, I just let it slide. I sat there silently with my mouth held tight while my friends could see me starting to boil and wondering if I was about to burst.

But I didn't. Even the overly opinionated don't always know what to say. Perhaps it's tied in to some politeness gene that when it comes from a senior citizen, it's not respectful to confront such comments - or maybe it's just old-school discomfort with conflict.

I find it easier to call out homophobia than the casual racism. My pet hate is people using the word "gay" as a negative adjective, but then again it's often from younger people so easier to challenge.

Dr Google to the rescue ... I discovered Jay Smooth's How to Tell Someone They Sound Racist youtube clip and his associated TEDx presentation. He says we have to hold people accountable while avoiding a "rhetorical Bermuda triangle" of conversation running off the rails.

I found another quote from a www.xojane.com contributor, Lesley Kinzel: "If you point out casual racism on a regular basis, you're going to get a lot of people whining that you're too 'politically correct', which is not a phrase that actually means anything any more, besides saying of its speaker, 'I am nostalgic for a time when I could be as racist as I wanted and nobody bugged me about it and thus I would like you to just shut up now you dumb person with your stupid thinky brain thoughts trying to infiltrate the hostile and immovable lump of granite I replaced my mind with'."

So next time, I am going to follow Jay Smooth's advice and politely point out there seems to be "Something racist stuck in your teeth" and keep trying to be the sort of person I want my kids to be around.

Nicola Young is a former Department of Conservation manager who now works for global consultancy AECOM. Educated at Wanganui Girls' College, she has a science degree and is the mother of two boys.