Guess what Santa's got for our politicians

Terry Sarten Photo/File

It is a good time to speculate what our esteemed political representatives will be getting from Santa this year.

He will have found out who has been naughty or nice by getting the Government Communications Security Bureau to share information gathered from listening to MPs' phone calls, reading their emails and checking their expense accounts.

No doubt Santa reasoned that if politicians think it is okay to spy on citizens, then it must be okay to eavesdrop on those claiming to represent our interests.

John Key will be looking into the bottom of his Christmas stocking to see if he has got any credibility as a present, having lost the last lot in a gamble about a casino and a spy versus spy fandango.

Bill English will be looking in his Christmas stocking to see if there is another failing national asset he could sell on Trade Me. There will be a small gift from John Key - a voucher entitling him to a knighthood when he quits politics.

David Cunliffe will appreciate the Charisma Polishing Device with expandable memory he gets from Santa but will then notice, with some dismay, the wording "Batteries Not Included" on the packaging. The long summer parliamentary recess will give him plenty of time to recharge the device and get it working properly.

Hekia Parata's Christmas stocking will have nothing in it but an apple for the teacher, a dunce's hat and a long and wearisome tale (with pictures) about educational failure.

She will be able to commiserate with Gerry Brownlee, who will get a 2000-piece puzzle of a city in a box without a picture but a 300-page guide to opening the box (written by his own department).

Pita Sharples will get a note saying Santa does not do koha but hopes the appreciation of a country for his efforts would be an acceptable gift.

Peter Dunne will get a hairnet and some styling product but no sudden improvement in the polls. Winston Peters, will discover his Christmas presents have all been made by foreigners and that Santa does not have a visa. He will write a grumpy press statement about this.

Russel Norman will have put out his stocking (made of natural fibres grown naturally) to find Santa has given him a recycled present - a large papier mache owl - originally a gift he gave to his great aunt three years ago. He will pretend to be pleased but be heard muttering something about what goes around does indeed come around.

Trevor Mallard will get a copy of the Parliamentary Speaker's manual. He will, like so many men of his generation, never actually read the manual but put it to good use as a doorstop in his electorate office.

Santa might bring Chester Burrows a book about an electorate where people are affluent, there a plenty of jobs and politicians don't do anything useful, and Chester will drift off into a dream only to wake and find the last part has come true.

John Banks will not get anything as he has been naughty.

Terry Sarten is a Whanganui writer, musician and social worker currently residing in Sydney. Feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz or www.telsarten.com