Christine Fowler said acceptance was key to moving forward with grief. Photo / Bevan Conley
Grief is the natural response to the loss of something we value and find important. It takes many forms and people experience grief differently. Emma Bernard talks to two Whanganui residents about the deaths of close family members and how they found ways to cope.
After four years of numbing grief, acceptance over time was key to Christine Fowler's healing journey.
"Acceptance that they have actually gone and they're not coming back," Fowler said.
"You've just got to hold their memories and progress forward with your own life, or you just destroy yourself."
She had never experienced the death of anyone really close to her until 2017, and then one after the other they went.
To begin with, Fowler's dad died in 2017.
"He was old, but you don't really realise how much of an effect it has on you even though you're sort of expecting it," she said.
Then in 2018 her husband suffered a massive heart attack while they were staying at their place in the country, 20 minutes from any town.
"I had to try and resuscitate him and I didn't succeed."
Fowler said the emergency services came as fast as they could, but they couldn't save him.
"I thought I should have been able to resuscitate Dennis.
"You do feel a certain amount of guilt that you haven't been able to save them, even though you know in the back of your heart that you couldn't have done any more than you did."
In 2016 Fowler's son Ian developed throat cancer and he died in 2019 aged 47.
The most recent loss for Fowler was her mum in 2020.
"The hardest part is just knowing you're not going to see any of them again," she said.
"To begin with it's a shock and a numbness that you can't really believe that they're gone.
"And as it progresses, it actually gets worse because you miss them. You miss them so much. It just gets worse as time goes by."
In the beginning, her family members would visit her in dreams, and she would try to ask them to come home. When she woke, she would realise they were not coming home.
"You feel like you've been talking to them in your dreams, but I've kind of gotten over a lot of that now," she said.
Fowler had to try to do something to not dwell on it all the time, so she turned to painting daily.
"It was a conscious decision to sit down and paint every day. I felt like it would help me, and it has.
"I was thinking all the time about what I could've done to save my husband, and my son, and painting took all of those thoughts away."
In her painting titled Self Portrait with Bruce, the smoke coming out of the kettle represented the transition from this world to the next, suggesting a possible afterlife in whatever form that may be, Fowler said.
"The red jacket perhaps represents the promise of a brighter future. Maybe the colour will come back into life. It's only just recently that I've come to that point.
"It's just a process of time really, and I don't think you ever get over it.
"I always feel that we're here to learn, and it's just part of learning about life and how to deal with life."
Fowler said she accepted it more now than she did, and that beginning to accept grief meant she could carry on with her own life.
"Life goes very quickly, you've got to make the most of it."
Frank Bristol is the consumer adviser to the Whanganui District Health Board for the mental health and addiction service.
He is also general manager of Balance Aotearoa, a charitable trust organisation which evolved from a mutual self-help group founded in 1996.
Bristol said the organisation focused on a mutual learning approach where both parties learned from each other.
"We understand the journey through grief and dark times because we've been there ourselves," Bristol said.
"So we have lived experience of not only the dark times but recovering from them, and what we've been able to do for ourselves to recover."
Bristol's wife died in September 2017, and he used the metaphor of being carried over a waterfall to describe the inability to cope during his grief journey.
"There's a lack of control over where we're heading in our journey, and we're just swept over the waterfall with absolutely no control. People are just forced to go with it really.
"Then we somehow have to find a way to come up for air, but there's still rapids and whirlpools ahead of us.
"The grief and the pain is because of the happiness back then. But it's better to love and to have lost than it is to not experience the love and joy at all."
Bristol said the grief when his wife died was a different experience to his feelings during her illness, which he called anticipatory grief.
"When you're expecting something really bad to happen, the feelings are very difficult to sit with. I wouldn't say it's as bad or worse or better than, but it's different."
It was only in the last year Bristol felt he got his energy back, and said he owed his healing journey to his close relationships which "kept him alive".
"It's really important to pay attention to the social ecology of our life, because supportive and healing relationships are critical.
"I think we all need to lean on each other."
He said it was hard when people had no one to support them, because a huge part of healing was to be seen and heard.
Those people should take it one relationship at a time, and find someone to listen who knew how to navigate the complexities of life, Bristol said.
For some, peer support groups such as Balance Aotearoa could help people form reciprocal relationships.
"You can keep going. You can find joy on the other side of the darkness you're experiencing."
Where to get help
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
For counselling and support:
Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)
Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Need to talk? Call or text 1737
Depression helpline: Call 0800 111 757 or text 4202
For children and young people:
Youthline: Call 0800 376 633 or text 234
What's Up: Call 0800 942 8787 (11am to 11pm) or webchat (11am to 10.30pm)
The Lowdown: Text 5626 or webchat
For help with specific issues:
Alcohol and Drug Helpline: Call 0800 787 797
Anxiety Helpline: Call 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
OutLine: Call 0800 688 5463 (0800 OUTLINE) (6pm-9pm)
Safe to talk (sexual harm): Call 0800 044 334 or text 4334
All services are free and available 24/7 unless otherwise specified.
For more information and support, talk to your local doctor, hauora, community mental health team, or counselling service.
