Going with the flow over a few wee leaks

Behold the new affliction beleaguering the bureaucracy ... its buggered and bulging bladder, complete with inevitable leaks.

The problematic puddles left in their wake have resulted in embarrassing accidents for the ministers concerned, slipping and sliding their way through the backwash of waste as Opposition and media, alike, unite and relish in the fact that they can literally rub their noses in it. The odour is a foul one.

This ever increasing trend of "information incontinence" unfortunately is not just restricted to accidental leakage, aka stress incontinence.

It has been suggested that Peter Dunne, the man classed by many as the moral compass of government, may have intentionally sprung a leak and wrongly assumed he was doing so in private. Winston Peters who, with his knack for discretion, was more than happy to expose him.

His incontinence pad, however, was not up to the job. Whether it lacked those magical and ever so handy wings or simply wasn't thick enough to absorb the sheer volume of emails involved, we may never know, but one thing is for certain ... what's done is Dunne.

His beloved party has dried up like a prune with heatstroke and he is now left with a humiliating and permanent stain that will blot his previously spotless record for all time.

Privacy breaches, leaked emails and whistleblowers - how do we stem the flow? With the exception of "the innocents" whose details were leaked, do we even want to stem it? Is it not our right to know what our government is getting up to?

Information incontinence - or politically incorrect secret sharing, if you feel like coining an acronym - could be here to stay. Not deadly but incurable. Like a hipper form of herpes and hopefully way less contagious.

It doesn't stop there, though. We now have it on good authority that the Government is preparing to spy on us all. Russell Norman, male co-leader of the Green Party said it is so and so we must believe. There is absolutely no way that this is scare-mongering and/or conspiracy theory.

I'm guessing that the Breakfast in Schools programme is just a front for what's really going on. The innocent kids of our great nation will suspect nothing as they devour their daily serve of Weetbix, which have secretly been implanted with the latest nano technology.

Once digested the nano-bots will break free from their confines and scramble their way into the optic nerve before magically transforming into micro cameras that will reveal the goings on of family life.

I'm picking too, that all of you who signed up for the subsidised insulation deal got more than just Pink Bats installed in your walls and ceilings.

At night when you are tucked up safe and warm, the bots appear like an infestation of ants or cockroaches and infiltrate your wi-fi networks and computers. Uploading and downloading all that is secret and sacred before making themselves a quick Milo and heading back to bed. Yes comrades ... Big Brother is well on his way.

Now, add to the mix Mr Peters' latest revelations that we are also under great threat from the Chinese. Auckland, our beloved super city is now destined to be nothing more than a hot bed of sin, sex and corruption that extends well beyond K Rd, and now we have the perfect storm.

While we are all busy freaking out about privacy leaks and whistle blowing episodes and eagerly awaiting the outcome of more costly inquiries into them, we are so distracted that we fail to notice the changes occurring in our rural pastures. We will be so busy checking our kids, insulation and cellphones for bots and spyware, so busy pointing the finger of blame and demanding the truth we will never get, not to our satisfaction anyway ... that we will have failed to notice that George bloody Orwell was right all along and the cows are now up and standing on two hooves. Busting through the number 8 wire, jumping cattle stops in a single bound and with the use of the GPS devices implanted in their ear tags they are now making their way to the cities where their long held plan to enslave the human race will finally come to fruition.

So who's right and who's wrong? The best we can do is strap on a super thick pad, complete with wings, and go with the flow. It puts a whole new spin on "follow the yellow brick road." Smile loudly, it's the only thing keeping me sane!