Generous spymasters' open secret stocking

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, of the Russian punk band Pussy Riot. Photo/AP

It's probably old news that the historical Santa Claus or his origin in St Nicholas was known for secret gift-giving. He was also accompanied by mischievous helpers, who rewarded good deeds and left lumps of coal for the unworthy.

I was watching Al Jazeera the other day and they reported what some might find disturbing. As Christmas approached, several thin men were shown in Santa costumes, skulking about, with dark glasses, taking notes. All was done to the tune of an old song about the impending arrival of Santa, "who knows if you've been bad or good". In this one the verse was slightly altered to say "The NSA is coming to town". How did Al Jazeera know?

All I know is that a whistleblower from the GCSB, which got it from the NSA, sent me Santa's list of what some well known folks received. As it was secret, I decided to share it at once.

In Barack Obama's stocking, Santa left two aspirin. They were to help him recover from the headache created from malfunctioning websites for Obamacare. While Obama might have gotten that lump of coal for continuing the policies of George Bush on spying, he was given retrospective rights to his Nobel Peace Prize for refusing to be stampeded to bombing Syria and instead brokering a deal with Vladimir Putin to destroy Syria's chemical weapons.

Putin, himself, narrowly missed the coal for his gall in lecturing Obama via a NY Times OpEd on respect for international law. Instead he made big points by pardoning the Greenpeace activists, the Pussy Riot pair, and his former political adversary, Mikhail Khodorkovsky. Number of pardons issued by Putin in 2013: 33; Obama, 8. While Santa did not keep the score, those helpers in dark glasses did.

For starting a genuine debate about the surveillance state, Edward Snowden was on the list, along with US Federal Judge Richard Leon. Judge Leon said the NSA spy programme was an arbitrary invasion of privacy and that the government failed to show any evidence that the NSA programme actually prevented any act of attempted terrorism. For finding the programme unconstitutional, the judge was recommended to the Order of the Coif, a legal honour, previously conferred on such luminaries as Richard Nixon. Santa wanted to give Snowden a Get Out of Jail Free card but couldn't find him, as he wasn't home.

Britain's David Cameron was given a frame for the Selfie he took at Nelson Mandela's funeral while sitting next to an unknown man. That unknown man, who turns out to be our own PM, was found at his vacation retreat in Hawaii. Santa left him some brochures on tourism in New Zealand along with tickets to the next Hobbit movie where he can view some of our glorious landscape.

From the wish-list John Key had sent to the North Pole, it seems he was a little disappointed. He was hoping for a chemistry set or a magic wand that would enable him to bring Rodney Hide back to life. That's because Steve Braunias of the Star-Times had proof Key's other choice of partner, Colin Craig , was lacking a brain. Not to worry. Like the wizard he is, Santa bestowed on Colin a diploma. It says nothing but makes Colin look a lot smarter.

Gerry Brownlee got a new working watch. His old one seems not to be able to move past March 2010.

Auckland's Len Brown was given a full-length mirror to learn if his normally buff self would really attract the charms of a pulchritudinous hottie like Ms Chuang. Or could it be, as Henry Kissinger said when asked about his own attractiveness to Hollywood starlets: "Power is the best aphrodisiac"?

I could reveal what presents certain locals got but some things are best kept secret. For now.

I do know this: the holiday teaches that it's probably better to give than to receive. It's certainly more fun.