Frank Greenall: Nail-biting times on Whanganui's Victoria Avenue

Nail salons seem to have become the Avenue's boom industry.

COMMENT:

It's perhaps a sign of the times that nail salons seem to have become the Avenue's boom industry.

In several new establishments, masked technicians hover around clients' gnarly extremities with a concentration befitting a heart-lung transplant, often working long past normal retail hours in the interests of nail beautification.

Possibly this sudden demand has been induced by climate anxiety. Faced with the planet's imminent demise, the female of the species (salon male clients seem thin on the ground) may have been driven into fits of binge fingernail biting, requiring specialist remedial treatment.

Who knows, perhaps having nipped their fingernails to the quick, the more anxious may have taken to grazing the toenails as well. While good for yogic-style limb-stretching, the practice may be not without risk.

If a plethora of recent online ads are to be believed, toenail fungus is yet another recent plague to afflict the planet, possibly of alien origin. But most GPs probably wouldn't recommend chowing down on this particular bodily parasite.

That said, the fungus - as with mushrooms - may have certain commercial possibilities if properly harvested. If appraised to have, say, medicinal or aphrodisiacal properties, on-selling of the product by the salons could help defray the cost of treatment sessions, and become a handy little foreign exchange earner to boot.

Let's not forget, it wasn't all that long ago that a Mr Chew Chong (Chau Tseung) scored a major commercial success with another unsightly fungus just up the road in Taranaki territory. This particular fungus - politically incorrectly known as Jew's Ear – grew on dead or felled trees, of which Taranaki had no shortage in the late 1800s. Regarded as a delicacy and curative back in China, the aptly named Mr Chew made a tidy sum exporting it, which he turned into an even tidier sum by reinvesting in the butter trade, eventually opening several butteries and creameries around Eltham.

It's therefore no accident that a Fonterra mega-factory is now located in the general area, but a little known fact is that the company's original mooted name was Font-Ear-A, in honour of Mr Chew's distinctively shaped fungal champion. Sadly, the suggestion was dropped when pointed out that the name could be considered disrespectful to fungi.

Sadly also, successive Fonterra managements have lacked Mr Chew's business acumen in the profitable ear department. Since its inception, the closest they've come has been to make a sow's ear out of a milk purse, but then again they've been dogged by many distractions.

Chief amongst these was the considerable time required to hone their creative writing skills, so essential for properly formulating appropriate fine-print to underpin their remuneration and performance bonus contracts. Nevertheless, they seemed to have succeeded, because whatever ear-brained schemes and self-serving largesse they came up with were invariably given the green light by their – presumably thoroughly confused - farmer share-holders.

However, those unfortunate times may be a thing of the past.

Someone on the present Fonterra executive Brains Trust recently read an Australian study outlining how - given all the downstream benefits - human breast milk was worth $3.6 billion to their economy, and that progressive Norway already includes breast milk in food production statistics.

Naturally, dollar signs immediately started dancing before the executive's eyes. Now they have a whole new strategy to ditch those pesky polluting moo cows altogether, and proactively emphasise the "her" in the national dairy "herd".

"We see export riches beyond compare," the Fonterra spokesperson enthused. "We believe the average lactating Kiwi woman will jump at the chance to handsomely monetise any excess Nature's Nectar in the comfort of her own lounge while Netflixing on the side. It's self-expression of the highest order."

"Even a moderate yield should be sufficient to pay-off a new lounge suite before the planet collapses entirely, and for performance bonuses we'll be gifting nail salon vouchers."

"Just think of the savings on palm kernel alone!"