Frank Greenall
The community will be mightily relieved to hear the infernal Gordian Knot of the wastewater treatment plant saga has finally been slashed asunder.
And, as you'd expect, it is the city's creme de la creme who have stepped up and done the business -- yes, the good residents of St John's Hill.
This is most fitting given that their suburb is named in honour of the patron saint of toilets, St John himself -- as in, "Where's the John?"
A dynamic collective the Citizens, Ratepayers and Panhandlers Association (CRAPA) -- have brainstormed a breathtakingly elegant solution: Virginia Lake will be drained and become the new treatment pond.
Since many argue it already is a wastewater reservoir, this will be no big deal. But to mark this momentous leap forward the lake henceforth will be known as Lake Lavender.
It's been widely debated for some time now that the non-performance of the aerators in the old wastewater treatment plant were a major factor in the plant's sorry failure. But in keeping with the bold initiative of Lake Lavender itself, an equally elegant solution to the aeration issue is also mooted.
Much as the sewers of Paris are a major tourist attraction, with guided tours and so forth, Lake Lavender will undoubtedly become a major drawcard also. Accordingly, a small fleet of punts will ply the lake, gondolier-fashion, offering visitors an intimate encounter with the wonders of modern waste treatment. Those plying the pole will be officially known as silt stirrers, with their assiduous pole work keeping the contents of Lake Lavender in a healthy state of well-oxygenated circulation.
But wait... there's more. Nothing will be wasted, including the old wastewater plant. Much as Paris lead with their creative and highly profitable approach to waste disposal infrastructure, so we look to their innovation in related fields.
Letters frequently appear pillorying those who promote "arty farty" pursuits as a potential Whanganui meal ticket. Culture vultures, get thee gone, they say -- these effete practices don't produce the hard currency that fills potholes and keeps the Avenue flower baskets watered. Such a sad failure of the imagination.
In Paris, until the Impressionists and their progeny came along, it was just another grubby industrialised European city. But with all this creativity busting out, suddenly Paris was a mecca for artists worldwide wanting to lead the bohemian life and whip out a few masterpieces, with squads of tourists not far behind.
Along the way, Marcel Duchamp a major Dada apostle of this radical new wave takes New York by storm. His Fountain entry for the Society of Independent Artists exhibition created a sensation, given that it was an off-the-shelf porcelain urinal. Today, that urinal is right up there with the Mona Lisa as one of the world's iconic works of art.
If Duchamp could do all that with a piddling urinal, imagine what we could do for Whangaz with a redundant whole wastewater plant. We are sitting on a goldmine -- a themed art installation to set the world on fire. Accordingly, the old plant will be declared an official Work of Art.
To kick things off, we could get Christo in to wrap it up nicely in two-ply tissue, of course. A big first for him, and a surefire publicity-getter.
Next, we have a rolling programme of Super Bowl events in the vacant ponds. You name it -- rock concerts, string quartets, extreme motocross. It could be flooded for jet sprints, and even get some artificial surf going for the surfie brigade. These would be known as Marcel Waves in honour of our patron, M Duchamp.
Al fresco theatre-in-the-round, Swan Lake, a snow-making machine for some board sports... the list goes on.
Between Lake Lavender and the new Super Bowl, Whanganui will soon be rolling in it.