Here, everything is not what it seems -- what's up is down and versa-visa, and words mean anything one wants them to mean. Strangely, though, Bill feels very much at home.
He now declares that the hordes of Wellington's roofless tenants-in-waiting are cause to break out the champagne.
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free," exclaimed Bill, "for they are sure signs of success as they traipse from door to door, vainly seeking shelter."
"The very many doors closed to them loudly proclaim the outstanding personal triumphs of those on the other sides of those doors, who, by dint of National's open slather policy on immigration, have seen the house values and rentals of pre-existing property owners go through their personal roofs."
It's plain Bill just loves this topsy-turvy land.
"But the king of our castle," he continues, "is undoubtedly Auckland. The sight of all those feet sticking out of car windows at day's close, as people try to kip down on car seats, stirs our collective soul to the core. What better testament to the runaway success of our greatest city? Look at how many are prepared to queue in their cars overnight for the privilege of getting one step closer to slapping down the quarter-of-a-million dollar cash deposit they'll never have for a fine run-down one-bedroom bungalow."
Bill is now in full stride. "Here, you see, it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast! It's such good exercise."
"The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday -- but never jam today," emphasises Nick Smith.
"That's my kind of talk, fella, but who are you?" asks Bill.
"I'm Nick! Don't you remember? Your Building and Construction Minister, and also your Environment Minister."
"Sorry, I don't recall. I can only remember things before they happen. But now that we've seen each other, if you'll believe me, I'll believe you."
"Too right, Bill, and I'm pleased to report another huge success story. Our rivers suddenly got 100 per cent cleaner!"
"You're a winner, Nick. And how so?"
"I simply took a leaf out of your book, Bill, and made words mean whatever you want them to mean. So I just made 'clean' mean 'dirty,' and now, when something is twice as dirty, it means it's twice as clean. Now everyone can swim safely, unless you get sick, and it didn't cost a cent!"
"You're a genius, Nick, and this is why the Kaikoura earthquake has also been such a huge success. It showed how full of vibrant energy our little patch of God's Own is -- bursting at the seams with wonderful seismic havoc and creating all those marvellous reconstruction jobs. It's as large as life and twice as natural."
"I'm so glad you're the boss now, boss, instead of that useless bunny we used to have."
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Nickie boy, but you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm raising National Super's eligibility age so suckers will be able to work longer to not get the house they'll never be able to afford. Now if that's not another wonderful success story, my name's not Alice!"
