Forgiveness frees you from negative emotion

Kristen Hamling Photo/File

"It is much more agreeable to offend and later ask forgiveness than to be offended and grant forgiveness" - Friedrich Nietzsche.

I recently read this statement and felt power in the words. I am intrigued by the concept of forgiveness and for most of us it is a tacit understanding that forgiving someone of a wrong can have a far greater impact on you than the other person.

History is dotted with people who have shown us the beauty and effectiveness of forgiveness. I think of Nelson Mandela and Immaculee Ilibagiza. Mandela once invited one of his former guards to a dinner marking the 20-year anniversary of his release. Ilibagiza is a survivor of the Rwandan genocide who made a choice to forgive the people who killed her family so that rage and hate would not rule her life. A personal story of forgiveness comes from a woman I know who extended an olive tree branch to the man responsible for killing her 12-year-old daughter in a car accident earlier this year.

So often we find ourselves stigmatising or denigrating those who have done us wrong, this being easier than trying to empathise with them or forgive them. And in this growing individualistic, competitive society, people may hesitate to forgive because they don't want to relinquish the upper hand in a relationship.

But when someone realises how much is to be gained by forgiving then I think people would be more willing to make this choice.

And it is a choice I think. You must decide whether you want to hold onto hate, anger, hostility or rage. All negative emotions that have been shown to have a most pernicious effect on our health, wellbeing and happiness. Or do you decide to try to understand the other person and the reasons behind their actions.

Understanding is not the same as forgiving. The way I could best explain this is through the show Into the Darklands by Nigel Latta (love him!). I find it easier to let go of some of the strong negative emotions that are generated when you first hear about heinous crimes when you understand the reasons why people committed them. You could never forget, nor possibly forgive, many of the horrible things that people do, but seeking to understand what is behind those actions can sometimes help release you from the associated negative emotions such as anger and hate.

A natural tendency for many people who have been hurt is to become defensive. We become more competitive and un-empathetic. We focus on getting even and keeping score, we concentrate on not losing arguments and use past transgressions to remind the other person of their failings, all while trying to get back the upper hand back.

Forgiveness can be a way of restoring a relationship after you have been hurt. When you forgive you let go of all those negative emotions, but you also gain abundant positive feelings. You build trust and compassion in your relationships and you feel closer to people who are important to you.

I do think that forgiveness is circumstantial, however, as it is easier to forgive someone when they show contrition and accept responsibility for their actions. Also forgiveness is easier in relationships where there is trust - trust that the person is genuinely sorry for hurting you and they will not hurt you again.

Forgiveness does not mean that you condone or forget what has happened. And it can be a long and difficult journey to take. But working towards forgiveness means letting go of the pernicious emotions associated with un-forgiveness, which only serve to harm you.

Given Wanganui is a Restorative City I think forgiveness is something worth thinking a little more about.

A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in positive psychology at AUT.