Forget the resolutions - bring on the revolutions

January the first has been and gone and with it any resolve I had to make new year resolutions.

Instead, I predict there will be new year revolutions - and these will create a loud hum in the humdrum of the everyday and drama in the theatre of life.

The first of these revolutions will be smartphones that are cleverer than the people using them.

There will be apps that can tell from the voice if a person is lying and sends a text which - like the warnings of incurring roaming charges - lets you know you are about to be hoodwinked. An additional function will act as a hollow charm alert, making the phone vibrate when it detects insincerity.

The second IT revolution will be an email diversion that automatically links any incoming spam to other scammers so they are kept busy trying to rip off each other, leaving the rest of us alone. All those unknown rich relations we never knew about may find they are, in fact, related to each other by deception.

The parliamentary oath will be replaced with a version based in the courts that asserts the oath-taker will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The Higher Remuneration Authority will decide MPs will get a generous yearly salary but no perks (just like other employed people) and, because it will be their own money they are spending, there will be a sudden dramatic loss of enthusiasm for overseas trips to see if the water is wetter in sunny climes or to study the architectural merits of a stadium the All Blacks are playing in.

On the international front, New Zealand will launch a legal campaign to try to force map-makers to stop putting our little space in the Pacific where the fold or staples are in the map of the world. This will go to the International Court in The Hague and drag on for years, providing financial support for legions of lawyers as they argue the folding future of a nation.

There will be bitter counter-claims from countries such as the United States that New Zealand actually appears twice on some map layouts and, therefore, in the interests of fairness and because they are the most important part of the world they should appear twice on these maps.

NZ will continue to lead in lifting the profile of same-sex marriages with two rugby players of the same gender marrying each other - with both dressed in all black outfits. Elsewhere in sport, golf will be exposed for what it really is - the use of a misshapen stick to hit a very small ball into a very small hole that cannot be seen because it is miles away.

A film will be made about a troupe of 11 players in whites who go in search of the LBW rule, the understanding of which has been kept hidden from them by dark forces. An umpire in grey will assist them on their journey and they will find the spin in the sacred ground called the pitch and the bails that unite the wickets and banish the bane of the poor run rate and restore glory to the game.

The other great revolutions I foresee for 2014 will be that people will at last work out that being completely pissed in order to have a good time is an oxymoron; that hitting kids is a failure of adults to behave; and that "do unto others as you would have them do to you" is actually worth a try.

Terry Sarten is a writer, musician and social worker - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz or www.telsarten.com/