Trauma bonding is something I had never heard of until recently. It sounds like something that only belongs in a psychiatrist's chair, and to be honest it does! However, for us lay people we may know it more as a result of someone "messing with our heads". It's also the reason why some folk get stuck in unhealthy relationships and wonder why they can't leave when logic is screaming otherwise.
So how do you know if you're trapped in one of these toxic situations? Firstly you will logically understand that the relationship isn't good but you won't understand why. You seemed to be "hooked" in far beyond your control, it's like your relationship is a drug and YOU are the addict. You wouldn't have realised that initially you were "love bombed" and possibly even targeted due to your empathetic nature. The rot that's been slowly setting in was missed due to the explosive love hormones activated by excessive attention and positive reinforcement. It feels so good! So very very good. It won't be long, however, before things really get confusing. You will start to notice that the "love" sometimes just "vanishes" for no apparent reason, leaving you wondering what the hell just happened?
And the answer will never be revealed as communication lines conveniently disappear. What this does is disable any chance to question anything, leaving you thinking that you need to change something. So you start to modify your behaviour to prevent any further feelings of this huge sense of loss that you just experienced. This is the behaviour that sets up the bond, the patterning, and the addiction! THIS is the dangerous bit that screws with your head. In the beginning they come promising you the world, they were your utopia! And the desire for how things once were is so huge that you are prepared to put up with a great deal of pain so you can get your "fix". You are now dependent, and no longer able to make sense of things as your abuser becomes your rescuer. You then are the one who starts to question your own sanity which they will affirm by reminding you that yes, you are imagining things, you are the crazy, insecure one and it's all in your head. Slowly but surely you start to lose any sense of who you think you are.
If you or someone you know has been in a relationship like this, then you would have witnessed or experienced the strength of this type of connection and why it's difficult to leave.
Some advice on how to break free from this type of relationship:
- 1. Find yourself a counsellor or therapist
- 2. Make a commitment to yourself to live in or start finding your OWN truth — even if that means you don't or can't leave the relationship immediately.
- 3. Stop trying to believe in what should/could happen and look at what IS happening. Actions will always speak bigger than words at any stage of the relationship.
- 4. Be kind to yourself as you are breaking the bond — think of it like an addiction.
- 5. Start feeling those raw emotions whenever you are away from the toxic person. Talk them over with your counsellor or therapist — write them down if you need to. The paradox is the only way out is through these feelings. Don't deny them.
- 6. Hopefully these feelings and conversations with your counsellor will also reveal the "hook" that keeps you addicted to this toxic behaviour that you know logically is unhealthy. You have an unmet need too which draws you to characters like this.
- 7. Write a list of what is negotiable in a relationship and what is not — and stick to it!
- 8. After dealing with the addiction then start looking at what sort of life you want to create for yourself. I can help you with that with some life coaching and goal setting.
- 9. Start investing in healthy relationships with little or no drama.
