Fast forward to bizarre new world

FUTURE SHOCK: Huge captive audiences are predicted for a TV show in which long-term inmates have their cells redecorated by top designers.PHOTO/FILE

With the world moving at an astronomical pace, it's only natural that many of us are curious as to what the future might hold.

Some of us look to the stars for answers, while others may rely on numerology or crystal balls. Take your pick, from palmistry to psychic hotlines, tea leaves to tarot, we're promised a glimpse of what's to come ... most predictions coming with an all-too-predictable price tag.

With many experts agreeing the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, I've decided to give it a bash and share with you, for free, my vision of where we might be 20 years from now.

How hard can it be? Most of my predictions are based purely on common sense but I have factored in things like the overwhelming need for political correctness, substantial growth in the greed market, continual rises in corruption and basic human stupidity. Prepare to be amazed. (Cue Twilight music)

The year is 2034. Based on the argument that trees are living things, the Greens have somehow managed to secure voting rights for those that fall under the categories of native, heritage and/or endangered. With so much importance placed on the status of the tree, some have even gone on to be elected to serve on local councils and despite an appalling record of non-attendance they continue to draw a salary, proving that some things never change.

A mandatory culling of cats has resulted in an inevitable rise in rodent numbers - numbers never seen since the days of Bubonic Plague. This has, however, provided employment opportunities as long-term unemployed have been forced to train as Pied Pipers. Rodents are still being led out of populated areas to face euthanasia by lethal injection. It has taken animal rights activists and five referenda to agree upon "the most humane" method, regardless of cost.

Cat breeding has been driven underground. Gangs and criminals quick to spot an opening on the black market have set up feline farms, where fur is harvested for fashion: goodbye to mohair, merino and mink and hello to moggy.

The house pet of choice is the re-invented moa. Viewed as the new status symbol, this retro-native is in such high demand it leads Massey University to introduce a Moa Whispering degree.

If marketed globally the employment possibilities and export earnings could be huge. Moas are also being touted as the eco-friendly answer to continuing transportation woes. When saddled these fast-footed birds are being tipped to replace the car. For an outrageous one-time fee, moa can be modified and fitted with indicators, lights, airbags, an on-board GPS and a stereo. Sunroofs are optional. VTNZ has details and offers low-interest finance to approved converters. WOF and registration costs still apply.

In the entertainment world reality TV still reigns supreme as do series franchises, with CSI Eketahuna now in its second season and The Housewives of Mangere set to debut soon. The new make-over programme, Sup G, Pimp My Cell, is expected to be a ratings winner. It's where criminals serving long sentences get the chance to have their room redecorated by a top designer at the taxpayer's expense. Shortland Street is still going strong, with Chris Warner set to perform gender re-assignment surgery on his evil, drug-addicted clone.

But the real shock comes with the introduction of a new character; one never before seen on soap operas the world over ... a monogamist!

Due to years of SFA (sustained foot abuse) there is a global shortage of podiatrists and chiropodists. This new health crisis, has come about from women cramming their feet into ill-fitted 6-inch heels, in the name of fashion.

ACC claims for foot damage and injuries from falls in high heels have risen so sharply Government is considering imposing a new tax on wearers, and employers, fearing the cost of workplace incidents, are hesitant about hiring foot abusers, leaving them vulnerable to claims of discrimination.

Lastly I predict that Wellingtonians win an award for being the most prepared in the event of a tsunami. This will come about after many false alarms, triggered by Dotcom's daily dive-bomb into the pool within parliamentary grounds.

I could, of course, go on and on, but lack of space dictates.

Perhaps a private reading?

Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.

investik8@gmail.com