All very nice and all, but I did not think it was possible to generate one of these kinds of relationships. Either you had one or not.
My husband and I used to share the sort of love that was more like, "You're OK".
Now, however, I am happy to report that in the past few years there have been many more fairytale moments in our marriage.
I attribute a big part of this to what we have learned from my studies in positive psychology and applying this to our lives.
So how do you turn an "OK" relationship into an excellent one?
One technique I find rewarding is called active constructive responding.
When we share good news with a person who responds in an active, enthusiastic, genuine and positive way (known as active-constructive responding), the person speaking and the listener benefit, with their relationship becoming much stronger.
Let me explain why.
Researcher Shelley Gable has shown that people who respond to good news in an "active and constructive" way, reliably have stronger and more intimate relationships than people who respond in "passive and deconstructive" ways.
Let's say your friend, work colleague partner or child tells you he or she has just solved this big problem that they'd been working on.
You could respond in one of four ways.
Active and constructive"Really. Tell me more ... how did you do it? ... Show me what you have done ... gosh that must feel really good ... I am so proud of you that is such great news." In this response you are enthusiastic, excited and wanting more information. It conveys to the person that you are interested and share their excitement.
Passive and constructive "That is great." Here you show little emotion or interest. To the other person, this response can feel like a platitude rather than genuine interest.
Active and deconstructive "Well, it took you long enough. You could have done this quicker if you had ..." This response focuses on the negatives or the down-sides and introduces loads of negative emotions. It undermines the other person. It may be true what you are saying, but that is simply not the point at this time.
Passive and deconstructive "Oh, really, well actually I had this big promotion at work today and I am going to get a pay rise." This response ignores the event completely and shifts to another topic. The person would not feel heard, validated or cared for.
When I get an active and constructive response from someone, I instantly feel closer to them. I get a buzz from being able to share my good news and it helps to prolong the good experience. The good news amplifies when you share it with another person and helps you to savour the experience.
So the next time someone shares good news, listen carefully, then go out of your way to respond actively and constructively. Ask questions about it and seek more details.
Show enthusiasm and elaborate on the benefits of this good news. You may not always be particularly thrilled by the nature of other people's good news, but you probably do care about the person. Your responses will show the person you care and it will help to strengthen your relationship.
This type of response is suitable for most relationships. Once you start doing it, you will feel the difference in your relationships. Others will enjoy your company more, wanting to spend more time with you. Such communication builds trust and generally strengthens relationships.
Proactively seek out opportunities to practise active constructive responding. If you are a manager, then do this with your team to build trust; if you are a parent, respond this way with your kids to experience more affection with them; and if you are married, talk to each other in an active and constructive way to increase intimacy in your relationship.
Worth practising, if you ask me.
A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in positive psychology at Auckland University of Technology.
