Dos and don'ts for daughters

Waipu Easter Carnival. Jenee Knight 9, of Te Aroha with Princess Ava the chicken. 4 April 2015 Northern Advocate Photograph by Tania Whyte NAG 06Apr15 - PECK: Jenee Knight, 9, of Te Aroha wi

"I HAVE been sitting by the phone, but William still hasn't rung me asking for advice yet. If he did ring, what advice would I give him on how to raise a princess?

"I would have to warn him what a pain it is having a daughter. No, not because daughters are awful - quite the opposite: they are too easy to love.

"Our little girls have the ability to climb into our hearts and, once they get in there, to kick the stuffing out of them. I have spoken to a lot of fathers and we agree: we are far more vulnerable to our girls than we are to our boys.

"This is the number one agony of being a girl's dad (third place goes to watching them bring home boyfriends who are nowhere good enough for them and second place goes to having to pay for the wedding when they decide to marry them).

"I want to bluntly talk about a major source of that pain - dads feel very close to their daughters when they are little but the relationship gets stressed as she approaches puberty.

"This is a tricky topic: I spoke to a group of men about this and you could just feel them getting tense as I spoke about it " but then a sense of relief.

"The elephant in the room is our daughters start to develop sexually and, as men, we retreat. Our little girls climb all over us; we wrestle, tickle, cuddle and they snuggle up to us in bed. But that vanishes when they start growing bumps and curves.

"Our culture has a strong 'touch taboo' and many fathers of developing daughters suddenly stop all expressions of physical affection towards their girls.

"This is happening at the very time our daughters are becoming maximally sensitive to how people react to them. They are being bombarded with messages from teen culture and the media that how you look is very important; more specifically, how appealing you are to men is a measure of your worth as a person. If they pay less attention to you, you are less valuable.

"Don't get me started on what an awful, soul-crushing lie this is. The sad fact is many - probably most - of our girls are impacted by this message. So they are watching to see how males react to them and, suddenly, the most important male in her life, the first man she ever gave her heart to, her dad, is pushing her away.

"She interprets our less physical approach as rejection. Stir in a good dose of hormonal over-reaction and the relationship can rapidly turn into a sour train wreck. Your little mate who did everything with you is now distant and antagonistic - and you start to feel that stuffing being kicked out of your heart.

"So how do cope with this? With respect, wisdom, courage and sensitivity. Explain the changes in terms of her growing up: 'Whoa. You're a big girl now, so instead of jumping on my back, sit here next to me and I'll put my arm around you like this.' There's still warmth and contact, but it is different.

"In subtle ways, let her know you respect and accept her emerging womanhood. It may not be appropriate to 'rough and tumble' but you show respect and admiration with:

-Warm and affectionate smiles

-Appropriate, affectionate touch

-Spending time with her

-Engaging her in conversation

"Realise she may also be uncomfortable with herself and, at some stages, she may pull away from a hug or a kiss. Your feelings will be hurt, but you know what is going on, so remain constant in your affections. It is very important to show that you accept she is changing and you are comfortable with that.

"For more information on raising princesses, have a chat with your Queen " I'm sure she will have lots of wise advice."

- Used with permission, www.theparentingplace.com. For more great tips and strategies for parents, contact Liza and Lynette at skipwhanganui@xtra.co.nz, ph/text 027 626 1404