No matter how kind, sensitive or gentle we are as parents, it seems that there are some children who simply do not want to co-operate. Perhaps in being kind, sensitive and gentle, we, as parents, are giving away our legitimate authority, and in doing so are turning our children into power-wielding little monsters.
As parents we have a legal, moral and social obligation to give adequate and appropriate structure to our children - we do not have to beg for this right, or for co-operation from them.
If you are dealing with a child who is being typically unco-operative, these suggestions may be of assistance:
1. Avoid the use of language that offers the child the chance to give a YES or NO answer. These include "could you ..." "would you mind ..." "would you like to ..." "How about ..." (you do the dishes).
2. Completely avoid the use of the word PLEASE. This tends to put us in a begging mode, and the child in a power mode. Can you imagine an army sergeant using the word with his troops? Avoid being trapped by a need to be "polite" - in this case "polite" equals "ineffective".
3. Use the child's name as the first word of your sentence. "Jacob ... " This gives him warning that the message is specifically addressed to him, right from the beginning.
4. Use the word "I" as the second word of your sentence. This gives him information regarding the authority factor behind the statement.
5. Use the next few words to state exactly what it is that you want. Eg, "Jacob, I want you to wash the dishes. Paul, I want you to dry."
6. The next thing to do is wait. Children who are old enough to do the dishes are also old enough to want to have their own integrity respected. Therefore they will not want to jump out of their chairs at your first call - they will want it to look as if they are doing it from their own decision.
7. However, if after five minutes you have not got an appropriate response, repeat your earlier statement (note it is not a request), and this time without changing your tone of voice, add to the end of it, "and I want you to do it now".
8. Become very aware if the intonation of your voice. If your sentence ends with your voice rising in tone, this represents a question. A question would indicate that you are not comfortable with what you are saying, and the listener is likely to respond to this negatively - by not co-operating. Rather, when you get to the end of your sentence, ensure that on the last word your voice drops in tone. This tends to emphasise the power of your statement, and of you as a speaker - and it is likely to have a useful impact on your children " ... and I want you to do it now".
9. As soon as the child has begun to do whatever it is that you want done, ensure that you flick from the parental "I want you to do something" mode, to a much more chatty mode - using the sort of tone that indicates that things are good between you ... "Hey guys, if your dad and I decide to go to the beach on Sunday, do you want to come, and do you have any preferences of which beach?"
10. If there is no appropriate response following this second statement (7), make the same statement again, simply repeating it without any change in the tone of your voice. Use it again and again if need be, like an old-fashioned battering ram but ensuring that your voice remains calm all the time. Laughton King from his book, With not Against.
SKIP Whanganui warmly invites you to attend this free workshop, entitled Laughton King consults the three bears for wisdom in parenting. Learn some more great co-operative parenting strategies, understand how parenting boys is different to girls, and find out fun ways to enjoy your parenting journey.
As well as Wednesday's workshop at Central Baptist Community Centre in Wicksteed St, various opportunities areavailable to hear Laughton King speak next week on dyslexia:
Seminar for Teachers on Monday, September 15, from 3.30pm, Workshop on Tuesday, September 16, from 9am to 4pm, and Evening Seminar on Thursday, September 18.
Contact SKIP on 027 626 1404 or (06) 345 3008 ext 5, or email skipwhanganui@xtra.co.nz for additional information and to register.
