Criticism can help, not hurt

KRISTEN HAMLING stock head and shoulds

HOW DO you respond when you are criticised? Defensive, dismissive or aggressive? Or are you open to what the person has to say, willing to evolve those aspects of yourself that others find frustrating or difficult?

For me, it all depends on two things. Firstly, whether you have a growth mindset ("I can always be better") or a fixed mindset ("I am what I am"). Secondly, the reason behind the feedback or criticism.

At times in my life, I have received some confronting feedback and criticism. My parenting style left a lot to be desired when my first son was a toddler. And as children don't come with guidebooks when they are born, I was doing the best I could with the resources I had available. .

But according to one of my dear friends, my parenting was not up to scratch, and she told me so. Obviously, I was upset and burst into tears.

Riddled with fatigue and mother's guilt, I was not in a good space to receive such feedback. My reaction was to defend myself, and I wanted to lash out at my friend.

But I remember thinking, soon afterwards, how hard it must have been for my friend to give me that feedback. I also thought, she loves me and she is not a mean person.

Therefore, her agenda for giving me the feedback had been benevolent, not malevolent. It was to make me a better mother, from which my son would benefit.

So I listened and asked for her guidance and support. I can honestly say that this experience gave me tremendous respect for my friend. It must have been tough to initiate that conversation, and I am also a better mother for it.

I can recall a few other occasions when friends have challenged me on some foolish behaviour. A friend recently did this and her feedback came from a place of kindness and compassion. Therefore, I take on the feedback.

However, there are also times when people have criticised me based on their own insecurities. Their feedback tends to be more malevolent and ill-founded.

In these circumstances, I realise that you cannot be liked by everyone and nor should you.

If I believe that criticism or feedback is presented to me because of spite, jealousy, anger or some other mean-spirited place, I see no reason to take it on board.

I feel my ability to discern benevolent versus malevolent feedback has been refined with experience. In my younger days, I interpreted any feedback or criticism as if it were an assault on my soul, a very "fixed mindset". I now think of feedback not as a slight against me as a person, however, but about my behaviour at a particular point in time.

There are always opportunities for self-development as no one is perfect in life. To that end, I now embrace feedback and solicit it wherever I can.

I think that there are lessons here for most of us when it comes to feedback. Firstly, discern whether the feedback is delivered benevolently or malevolently, if it is given with good intentions then use it as a platform for personal growth and building on your strengths.

Onwards and upwards I say.

-A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in wellbeing at Auckland University of Technology.