Credit teens for being smart

Liza Iliffe Photo/File

One thing we all know as parents is that nothing is ever predictable with children.

When we move through our parenting journey it seems that this is one aspect that just gets more and more frustrating, especially if we continue to parent without consciously moving forward with the stages of our children's development.

SKIP has great information about the ages and stages of development for under 6 year olds and it allows us to have some warning about what to expect to see happening with our young children. But what happens when the hormones kick in and the dramatic changes begin to happen with our teenagers? One area that can be particularly tricky is the way we deal with conflict with our teens and how we coach them to deal with conflict themselves.

Conflict can increase when your child starts making choices you don't agree with. The more you try to control these, the more you will argue and fight. Fathers can find conflict more stressful and try to avoid it or withdraw. Our teenagers are smart. They know what's good and what's bad. You don't need to keep reminding them that they've made mistakes.

Teenagers need to be safe and do certain things (such as go to school) that give them better choices later. Remember, even when times are really bad, try to do positive things together. Have some family rituals that happen regardless of whether everything is going well or not, ie, pizza and movie on Fridays.

Be reasonable and understanding but stick to the important decisions. If you give in, they'll nag and nag every time you say no. Remember to be firm, fair and friendly.

Give them some control and responsibility so they can feel they have some say in their own lives. Remember that the more trust you give them, the more they learn to handle it. They will be making all their own decisions before we know it and it's good to give them a chance to practice while we are there to support them.

Don't get involved in their fights with their brothers and sisters. If things start getting out of control help them sort it out, but don't take sides. Set clear boundaries about hitting and swearing in the house. Remember to choose your battles. Hold your ground when it's important.

Your children learn from your relationships. If they see you talking through the problems with other adults, they'll learn to do it too.

Boost their ego, be positive. When they work hard, come home on time or look after their siblings, thank them.

Teenagers can find it hard to make up their minds. Help them to make decisions, talk it through. Remember to explain why you're doing what you're doing. Be reasonable. Listen lots and love them for the wonderful adults they will grow up to be.

Coming up for parents and teenagers: Simon Clegg, a former professional skateboarder will be here on Monday to speak to teenagers and their parents. Simon was born in England, grew up in New Zealand and is now one of Australia's leading youth motivational speakers.

Growing up in New Zealand as a top skateboarder, at a young age he found himself going down a pathway of drugs and alcohol within some serious family dysfunction. Simon challenges young people to rise above whatever life throws at him and not to let the past dictate their future.

We invite you to join the "Be A Star" Whanganui anti-bullying campaign students to hear Simon at 7pm on Monday at the Central Baptist Community Centre on the corner of Wicksteed and Dublin Sts. This is a free event.