For those who prefer to leave the old boy something a little stronger, keep in mind the new drink driving levels. I would suggest the low alcohol option and you may want to go the extra mile and consider leaving out a breath testing kit, just to be on the safe side.
The poor old chap has enough to contend with, dodging possible missile strikes from Isis. For all we know, one of the reindeer could be a suicide bomber in disguise. Rudolph's red nose could be more sinister than it appears ... an LED from the timing device attached to the detonator, for example.
If your home is chimney-less, you will also need to make special arrangements for entry.
Do you leave a key under the doormat, give him your security code or risk not locking up at all? Is there ample off-street parking for reindeer and the sleigh? Is there a bin and bags on hand for the safe disposal of any reindeer waste? What's the risk of a vicious dog attack?
So many things to consider.
The much loved nativity scene is always a talking point. Many will be happy to keep it traditional but others may want to bring it into the 21st century and apply a more modern theme to it. With equal rights being so important, you may wish to swap out a wise man for a wise woman, a cross dresser or perhaps a child prodigy. And who says they even have to be wise? Why not a complete drongo? The addition of a midwife might be worth considering too and, if you really want a wow factor, a birthing pool would make for a spectacular water feature.
The manger could be replaced with a carseat and Mary could be breastfeeding in public, while Joseph stands at her side, tweeting about the birth and posting pics to Facebook on the iPhone he got with cash made from selling the gold they were given as part of the booty from the three (wise) whatevers.
With the housing shortage in Auckland, a Toyota Hiace van might make for a suitable replacement to the stable scenario. Add your own spin and get creative.
As long as you keep Christmas PC, you should be fine, but let's not forget about health and safety.
Back in my day, kids were happy to receive a gift from Santa's sack. These days, for various reasons, they seem to think they are entitled to its entire contents. The once humble Christmas stocking has been replaced by much larger options.
These oversized and overweighted recepticals may need to be affixed to a supporting wall to prevent personal injury in case of an earthquake. You'll also need earplugs to prevent hearing loss from screaming kids and the thunderous explosions caused by the pulling of crackers. Hard hats and safety goggles for the opening of presents, the carving of the turkey, flying champagne corks and the looming threat of a toppled Christmas tree. A fire extinguisher should be on hand for the flaming brandy pudding and/or backyard barbecue. If like me, you still love the idea of discovering small treasures in your steamed chrissy pud, you may literally have to explore the idea of turning the dessert course into an activity. An archaeological dig of sorts, where everyone unearths and removes the coins and trinkets prior to eating, to eliminate the risk of choking.
Finally, if attending a Christmas function at work, for your own health and safety, avoid using terms like honey and sweetie, it could so easily turn sour.
If this is the price of "progress," you can keep it. To think that 40 years ago my excitement on Christmas Eve was such that the withered old crone would lace my mashed potato with tranquillisers and yet in recent years I'd have been only too happy to sleep through the whole day.
From JC to PC, Sellotape to red tape, Christmas card to credit card and gift tag to hashtag, somewhere along the way I can't help but think that the Christmas I once loved seems to have lost its true meaning. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it - investik8@gmail.com.
-Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.
