Can't drive and I've got my 'Y fronts' in a twist

Chris Northover PHOTO/FILE

I am unable to seize the day with both hands at the moment. My carpe diem is dead on the carpet.

It has become a struggle to get dressed in the morning - and forget washing the dishes, or much in the way of cooking for that matter.

Personal hygiene is a struggle. In the dark yesterday I put my "Y fronts" on back to front, and it took half an hour to get them on right. Even typing this is a cumbersome hunt and peck.

A moment's indiscretion with a post-hole auger ripped a shoulder tendon halfway through and reduced me to an indolent layabout wandering aimlessly, arm in a sling.

That was last November. Thankfully, the ACC rehabilitation system leaped into action and my shoulder was stitched back into place last week, with unspeakable things screwed into my bones and tied with cable. That'll teach me, won't it?

If that wasn't enough, my tablet computer - on which I read my books and just about everything else - self-destructed with a quiet "fizz" and a wisp of smoke. And Geoff Robinson retired from Morning Report and who knows what they will do to National Radio now the grownups have left the room? Surely they wouldn't muck around with Jim Mora in the afternoon out of spite, would they? Don't they realise how much trouble they'll be in when Mum gets home?

On the plus side, Top Gear is on the telly again - although sadly I've had to give up waiting for the call from the BBC to fly to England to replace the Stig (shoulder might give me a bit of trouble in the corners).

If I watch telly in the middle of the day I still have this feeling of guilt at wasting my time. I may have to search out a real book. How last millennium! Perhaps you have wondered why I have been so serious lately.

The worst part of this litany of anguish is the inability to drive. They say that when older people lose their driver's licence it is tantamount to a death sentence, their independence dashed on the cautious rocks of safety. Yet I've got cabin fever after only two weeks. Even the wonderful Stephanie from Driving Miss Daisy can't quite deliver me the ability to leap into my car and move at the speed of thought. I don't think I want to get old and feeble.

Yet, I have been able to think more about life in New Zealand - the health-care system is fantastic - sure beats being thrown bleeding out of a hospital because you can't pay - as they do in many other places. The orthopaedic surgeon and Belverdale hospital have been brilliant and the service ACC has provided has been friendly, understanding, appropriate and timely. Perhaps they don't think I am trying to rip them off?

My darling wife took time off work to wait on my every need and she stopped counting at 20 the visitors calling in to check on my health - (nearly all of whom were not mentioned in my will!) Some people brought food. Nice food!

Christine has gone back to work, exhausted but happy, while I am trying to wean myself off the Paracetamol and leave the house tidy.

Hmmm. Perhaps things aren't so bad. Excuse me, but I'm just off to carpe another diem.

Chris Northover is a former Wanganui lawyer who has worked in the fields of aviation, tourism, health and the environment - as well as designing electric cars and importing photo-voltaic panels.