Buzz on creatures in corridors of power

The seat of Parliament for which people stand. Photo/Apn

I thought, as it's an election year, it would be a good idea to take a closer look at that rare species of creature known as the MP, explore its environment and observe some of its more peculiar and perplexing behaviours.

Although most experts agree MPs [Members of Parliament] are mammalian creatures of some description, others have theorised they could be an advanced form of parasite, living off their host.

Others have argued they are noxious pests posing a great threat to our delicate ecosystem. I'll let you decide.

The natural habitat of the MP, ironically, is called the Beehive. I say "ironic" because the name suggests order, precision and high productivity ... all of which are traits not commonly associated with an MP. A better analogy might be one of an aviary, as we have a good cross-section of native birds, a few strutting peacocks, some old chooks, a few buzzards and vultures and, some might say, a disproportionately high number of tits.

MPs have been regularly observed walking the corridors of power looking important and are inevitably flanked by po-faced groupies, all of whom seem to nod in the appropriate places when they are inadvertently caught up in a media interview.

The MPs and their groupies will be clutching dossiers and folders in an attempt to look busy.

Many of these folders will eventually end up being accidentally left on buses, trains or in the back of a taxi somewhere. Failing that, they will be mysteriously leaked to the media or a well-read blogger.

When not roaming the corridors, MPs frequently gather in "Da House" - a chamber of sorts, where they come together for a bit of lively debate. "Da House" is very much akin to a school yard - you have the popular kids in the front, sitting closest to their respective gang leaders, while the naughty and not so important get relegated to the back bench.

Here we observe the MPs at work as they mock and ridicule one another about opposing policy in an attempt to score political points. It's all very theatrical and often hypocritical. Take, for example, the selling of state assets and/or the 300-plus new pokies for the casino - one would think those opposed to one or both had themselves never been guilty of doing the same thing, when they were in power.

It's this arrogant and petty sort of behaviour that costs many MPs their credibility. It also serves to remind us, the voters, just how quickly we can forget. Let's not forget, either, the schoolyard bullies, whom we all know are cowards in disguise.

They may put in an appearance, making allegations in "Da House" and stirring up trouble, while hiding behind the gutless practice of parliamentary privilege.

In "Da House", MPs may debate for months - even years - about what the average Kiwi wage should be, while their own annual pay rises seem to be passed with a more speed than a Black Caps' batting collapse.

On a good day, though, we may be rewarded with an exciting new policy that is meant to enhance our lives without actually addressing the root cause of the problem, like turning our schools into the soup kitchens of the future.

Such policy, more often than not, will be discussed and thrashed out at Bellamy's, the taxpayer-funded soup kitchen of the ever-humble MP, where the menu options are far greater and far more expensive than a couple of old Weet-Bix and some toast.

One would think such well-paid vermin could feed themselves, but this appears not to be the case. I'd even suggest quite a few of these creepy critters could live very well off their own egos.

And there we have it, a brief glimpse in to the inner workings of the strangely named Beehive, home of the overpopulated MP.

A hive of industry or a buzz kill that's just out to sting you? Let me know your thoughts on the matter - investik8@gmail.com

Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, whose only connection with Parliament is that she once had a "Beehive" hairdo.