Build resilience in our kids

Kristen Hamling Photo/File

"We must remember that intelligence is not enough. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education." - Martin Luther King Jr

Life has become way too comfortable for many kids today, mine included. Where are the genuine challenges, disappointments and failures? It seems that the more affluent our society has become the less resilient the younger generation has become.

I cannot believe that I am about to say this, I'm only 40, after all, but here I go .. "when I was a girl I had to walk to school, even when it was raining", "at parties we didn't all get a prize, there was one winner in pass the parcel" and "when I was at school, grades were final".

My parents didn't scold the referee for making a bad decision in my netball game, nor did they do my homework for me or argue with my teachers that I should have got a better grade. Yet here we are a few decades later, and I hear these sorts of things happening. Even worse, I am participating in some of them.

Even though life has become easier, we have better medicine, good transport, more choices, better education, why then are mental health issues on the rise? The World Health Organisation has estimated that by 2030 depression will be the number one health concern. Other surveys show that one in five adolescents are developing depression by the time they are 18. What are we doing to build resilience and well-being in our children.

Developing character strengths in our children seems to me to be a good way to go. Studies have consistently shown that the character strengths of GRIT (optimism, gratitude, social intelligence, curiosity, self-control, enthusiasm and perseverance) are consistently linked with greater academic achievement and success in life, reaching goals, dealing with setbacks, increasing resilience and overall well-being.

So what exactly are character strengths? Two prominent researchers have looked through history and across cultures to discover 24 character strengths that consistently lead to a meaningful and successful life. Some are related to traditional noble traits (bravery, citizenship, fairness, wisdom and integrity), others are more emotional (love, humour, zest and appreciation of beauty), and some are about human interactions (social intelligence, kindness, self-regulation, gratitude). The researchers reported that cultivating these strengths represented a reliable path to "the good life", a life that is not just happy but also meaningful and fulfilling.

Research shows that we get greater success by focusing in on our strengths and using these on a daily basis rather than make a concerted effort to improve our weaknesses. Playing to your strengths energises you, increases your resilience, confidence and happiness. This, in turn, acts as a powerful way to manage stress in our lives.

Identifying character strengths in others, rather than their deficits, is one sure-fire way to enhance the quality of relationships. Think about those close to you: what are their strengths, what do you admire about them and why? Rather than looking at all the things that annoy you about a person, instead spot their strengths. I have been trying to do this with my kids. Instead of "that was a nice thing do to", I try to focus on the character strengths shown, such as "that was a nice thing to do, it shows me that you are a kind person".

Character strengths can be learned and cultivated. To discover what your character strengths are log on to the free Values in Action website - www.viacharacter.org and complete the short questionnaire. A summary of your strengths will be provided. Next try to use your character strengths in unique and novel ways each day.

Watch out, kids. I intend to make your life far more uncomfortable. This seems like a good parenting thing to do in the context of current research. My plan is to create more opportunities for blood, sweat and tears so that their character strengths may shine through.

A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in positive psychology at Auckland University of Technology