Actions must match words

Lynette Archer from Skip Wanganui

One of the most common conversations we have with parents at SKIP events is the concept of being consistent in our parenting. Being consistent in your interactions with children is one of the most challenging aspects for many of us. To be consistent, your words and actions need to match. For example if you shout at a child when telling them not to shout, you are giving inconsistent messages. The child gets a mixed message and does not learn the lesson you are trying to teach. Children learn by watching your behaviour and listening to what you say - and comparing the two.

Children also learn from watching how we adults behave toward each other. If we are caring and gentle, children are able to watch how to be caring and gentle. If we yell and hit each other, children will copy.

Children see through the "Do as I say not as I Do" philosophy pretty quickly in life. We cannot teach our children how to behave by doing the opposite ourselves.

This poem expresses the results of not walking our talk.

How a child learns

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn

If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy

If a child lives with shame, she learns to feel guilty

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient

If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate

If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith

If a child lives with approval, she learns to like herself

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world

Dorothy Law Nolte, 1972

Children also learn from finding out the results or consequences of their behaviour. Consequences are the things that happen as a result of something. In the context of discipline, they're most often the results of a child's misbehaviour.

Natural consequences are those that follow on naturally from a behaviour, e.g. the natural consequence for running out onto the street may be getting hit by a car.

Logical consequences are those that follow according to reason or logic, e.g. running out onto the street may result in being kept inside for a period of time.

To use consequences as a tool to change behaviour with children they should be:

Related - there should be a close connection between the behaviour we want to change and the consequences we use. The connection may be direct or indirect.

Reasonable - the consequences should not impose unfair hardship or expectations on the child

Respectful - the consequence should respect the child's rights and dignity. Children should never feel humiliated or powerless as a result of our actions

SKIP's booklet on "Tips for under 5's - the Tricky Bits" has more tips and strategies on using consistency and consequences when disciplining your child. If you would like a set of free booklets contact Lynette and Liza at SKIP Whanganui phone or text 027 626 1404, 345 3008 or email skipwanganui@xtra.co.nz