A moose's head is absolutely de rigueur, my dear

Prompted by an extremely pretentious "How to make your house look like nobody actually lives there" designer chic book, I have written the following wee tome full of absolute tosh:

First impressions: Have a front door that is welcoming to friends but hostile to street evangelists. A colour co-ordinated moat and a drawbridge in earthy tones is an ideal combination, and add a matching portcullis for additional frisson when unexpected relatives drop by.

The hallway should be well lit so you can see visitors' faces when they realise that it is, indeed, a dead moose's head looming over the coat-rack. Be sure the space is not too cluttered as they might stagger back in shock, knocking over the antique Inuit umbrella collection, and come nose to navel with the reclining nude painted by your uncle in the south of France.

The living room: The modern minimalist decor should be confusing and intimidating in equal measure.

Angular furniture with lots of pointy bits will encourage visitors to approach the matter of sitting with caution and go home early.

If it is a small living room, you can easily create a sense of space by removing all the furniture, leaving only a white fur carpet that will show every drop of the vintage wine spilled by guests as they step back in alarm from the polar bear's face looking up at them. This will create an immediate impression.

A grand piano by the window is essential. Never mind that no one in the household, except the classically trained butler, can play.

It is there to provide a witty conversation piece about how you got the damn thing in the house without draining the moat.

The dining room may require a table. One with only three legs displays both your exotic sense of humour and the serious existential challenges posed by gravity.

Have a wall lined with bookshelves that host odd objects picked up on travels in foreign places.

"I found this lovely little vase in a little market in a little town and bought if for very little money from a little man who spoke little English."

Do not worry if you never read any of the books. It is about creating the impression you are sophisticated and can read. Beware - do not put anything you have purchased in an airport on these shelves. These are best kept in a box under the bed.

Themed master/mistress bedrooms are all the rage. Dungeon chic is in right now, with walls in 50 shades of grey and mirrors everywhere. It is important to have the bedroom at least marginally wider than the giant four-poster bed so that it can be assembled inside the room without having to remove the roof.

Think about colour. Ignore the Triad - not the organised crime kind - but the colour wheel combinations. Why have a mix of colours that whisper gently to each other when instead they can shout at you across the room?

The kitchen is the centre of any house. This is where people will gather at parties with their legs crossed, waiting on directions to the bathroom, while hearing about how you designed the interior while your partner was in the city earning the millions needed to pay for it all.

The kitchen, with its pathology lab ambience, can be kept clean by never cooking anything. Do have a small space hidden out the back where the hired caterers can prepare dinner for your guests. (If you cannot afford to get caterers in for dinner, then you are not worthy of any of the above advice.)

Terry Sarten is a Wanganui-based writer, musician and satirista - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz