With wedding costs skyrocketing and people feeling the pinch, couples are getting thrifty with their guests. Rebecca Barry Hill investigates.
Oh, it’s a wedding invitation, how lovely! You always got on well with your second cousin, and you haven’t seen them since Christmas 2008, so it’ll be good to
Yes, it’s an expensive business getting married. But spare a thought for the guests this cost-of-living crisis.
“I do think this is something that’s often overlooked,” says wedding and event planner Erin Coldham, of Wonder Events.
Couples are usually so caught up in the excitement of planning their special day, they don’t always consider how much the outlay will be for those attending.
“Rising costs are definitely affecting people,” she says. “If you’re getting married somewhere like Waiheke, you’ll have to factor in transport, accommodation, something to wear, a present, maybe a babysitter … as a couple, you’re upwards of $500 easy. But sometimes by the time couples have chosen a venue, it’s something special to them. It’s more than logistics.”
Those who are determined to walk down the aisle now face skyrocketing costs too, as inflation has pushed up the price of everything from flowers to venues and catering. And it’s led to a modern affliction, whereby it’s not unheard of to ask guests for money.
When Auckland nurse Nicola* recently received an invitation to her partner’s close friend’s wedding overseas, she was excited to attend the three-day event. But she was not so happy about the $200 they asked for in lieu of a gift (more if you could manage it, said the invite) towards the reception, a semi-BYO affair. This was on top of flights, accommodation and transport to the venue. The unusual theme also made it difficult to find something suitable to wear without forking out for a new outfit.
“We were definitely shocked but we just went along with it and paid it straight away, we didn’t really think about it properly, " she says. “In hindsight, we should have, but this person is one of his really good friends.”
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Advertise with NZME.Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more Seinfeld, a few days before the big day, guests en route received an email delegating them each a shift to work at the wedding, either behind the bar or clearing dishes. Aghast, Nicola* says she planned to refuse on the day but once the festivities were in full swing, it was too awkward not to help.
“For a destination wedding you would expect to pay for transport and accommodation but other weddings I’ve been to, they’d say, we don’t expect a gift. But this one was enforced.
“It definitely put a dampener on it for me. I tried to make the most of it but it was hard. We were already paying to get to the wedding, you wouldn’t expect you’d be asked to pay entry and work — it feels quite unwelcoming.”
She’s unsure why the couple chose to do things this way, and although it’s at the extreme end of things, it does beg the question: is it ever okay to ask your guests for cash?
The idea of a financial contribution to a honeymoon, for instance, has now become commonplace. Even so, it doesn’t sit well with Susie Wilson. The internationally recognised Kiwi etiquette expert and business mentor was recently invited to a wedding whereby the couple asked for cash to put towards their post-wedding holiday — something she found distasteful, particularly as the couple had recently returned from living overseas. She politely declined to attend the wedding, sending them flowers instead.
“It’s very rude,” she says of monetary requests. “It’s taboo and it’s just wrong.”
According to global tradition, a couple’s parents and the couple themselves should fund a wedding, she says. In the case of often outrageously expensive multi-day weddings, the extended family is likely to contribute too.
“It was usually that the bride’s side would pay for the flowers and the bridesmaids and so on, and the groom’s side would pay for the alcohol and other things. But when couples get married a lot later, generally the proper way is they pay for it all themselves.”
Auckland business owner Sara* agrees with this approach. She and her fiance are forging ahead with their November “micro wedding” with a maximum of 40 guests. Despite doing things as inexpensively as possible, the last thing they want to do is pass expenses on to their guests.
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Advertise with NZME.After finding a reasonably priced venue on Waiheke and neglecting to mention it was for a wedding (“The minute you put the word ‘wedding’ in front of things, venues skyrocket the prices,” says Sara), they’ve already booked a photographer (her sister), bought the wedding gown (a white dress from a non-bridal retailer), and decided how they’ll do the flowers (a mix of fresh and dried that her mum will help her forage). They’re even contributing to flights so that the South African-born bride can have some of her nearest and dearest attend from the other side of the world.
There’ll be no bridesmaids or groomsmen, to avoid having to pay for clothing or ask close friends for their time and efforts, and there’ll be no engagement party, so they can put the money towards the reception instead.
A decade ago, Sara walked down the aisle for the first time at an upmarket Mt Eden venue, catering to roughly the same number of guests, for a total of $10,000.
“We’ve made cuts everywhere,” says Sara of wedding number two, “and it’s still costing us about $30,000.”
She recently heard a story whereby a wedding invitation stipulated guests would have the option of a three-course meal — if they were willing to pay for it.
“I would never ask my guests to contribute to anything,” she says. “With the cost of travel and babysitters, an outfit maybe and a gift, the right thing to do is to host people.”
What then for the couple who want to make their union official at what must be one of the most financially difficult times in recent history? Surely friends will feel honoured to contribute to a couple’s future happiness?
“The proper way is certainly not to ask for your guests to be part of the hired help,” says Susie. “That’s an absolute no-no, it should not happen. If anything it could create a problem with friendships. It’s rude. It’s ungrateful. It’s improper.
“If a couple choose to get married, that is their choice. A guest should only have to worry about the gift. You come with a gift and your manners in hand, and you enjoy the festivities.”
As for those who can’t afford to get married without asking their friends to chip in, she has some simple advice: “Don’t get married.”
*Names have been changed at the request of the interviewees.
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