Stressed, Tired Or Lonely? Expert Tips For Feeling Happier

Mental health professionals consider the best methods to encourage a joyful approach, even when times are tough.

We’ve all experienced it: the urge to withdraw and duck experiences we know we’ll enjoy – even when a mood boost is what we need most. We skip the birthday party. We cancel lunch. They just don’t seem worth the effort. And then, more likely than not, we feel worse than we did before.

So how do you find the motivation to get out there, especially when you’re feeling low, stressed, tired or lonely? One proven strategy is to strengthen what psychologists call your reward sensitivity.

Our drive to seek out happiness is a muscle that we can develop. So is our ability to relish experiences. And almost anyone can learn to amp up their reward sensitivity by training themselves to notice and savour their positive emotions. That’s even true for people with depression and anxiety who struggle to experience pleasure, a condition called anhedonia.

Of course, all of us have trouble pursuing pleasure sometimes. I recently took my young sons to the beach for the weekend. Hours before our getaway, I learned a friend had died. Numbed by the news, I was in no mood to have a good time, even though I wanted to make things special for my family.

It’s part of my job as a therapist to teach people how to manage their emotions. And as I tell my patients, it’s possible to honour legitimate sources of pain and still recognise that moments of brightness improve our wellbeing.

The research-backed strategies below, which I use in my practice, helped me to make the most of our trip.

Reward sensitivity and mental health

When it comes to mental health treatment, doctors and therapists tend to focus on easing their patients’ negative symptoms – they want “to take away the bad”, explained Alicia Meuret, a professor of psychology at Southern Methodist University.

In fact, improving positive emotions can be a higher priority for patients than containing their depressive symptoms. And research shows that treatments based on this idea can be effective.

A 2023 study co-led by Meuret found that when adults experiencing depression or anxiety participated in 15 weeks of psychotherapy focused on enhancing positive emotions, they reported more improvement than a group whose therapy focused on reducing negative emotions.

Shorter interventions have shown benefits as well. A 2024 study of 85 students, led by Lucas LaFreniere, an assistant professor of psychology at Skidmore College, gave subjects with anxiety regular smartphone prompts to plan pleasurable activities, savour positive moments and look forward to future positive events. After a week, they showed significantly improved feelings of optimism.

An exercise to boost your reward sensitivity

To raise your reward sensitivity, you can try an exercise based on the treatment plans in these studies. Make it a daily practice for as long as it’s helpful, but commit to at least a week.

Begin by planning one activity per day that will make you happy or give you a sense of accomplishment. This will make you less likely to postpone positive experiences. Be realistic — it can be as small as treating yourself to a favourite snack, reading a few pages of a novel or FaceTiming a friend.

After you’ve enjoyed that daily moment, close your eyes and recount out loud, in the present tense, where and when you experienced the greatest joy. Home in on details and physical sensations, like the breeze cooling your face as the sun shines. This all might feel hokey, but don’t gloss over the specifics, Meuret cautioned. The idea isn’t just to remember how you felt, but to amplify and re-experience it.

Psychologists call the process of identifying and immersing in positive emotions savouring.

“Growing the glow of positive emotions,” as LaFreniere put it, strengthens your memory of them, and increases your motivation to seek them out going forward. Savouring also helps counteract the very human tendency to focus on and remember negative aspects of an event: the friend who was 15 minutes late, the thing you wish you hadn’t said.

Here are some more subtle but powerful tweaks you can make to nurture a positive mindset.

Expand your joy vocabulary: Many of us struggle to label our positive emotions much beyond fine, good or great. But research suggests that finding more words to describe those feelings can validate and intensify them, Meuret said. When reflecting on how something made you feel, try to be precise, using words like serene, elated, exhilarated, delighted, inspired.

Share your highlight reel: Think about the details you typically volunteer when asked about your day or a recent trip. It can be tempting to vent. But broadcasting what made you happiest can make you feel better, spread that happiness to another person — and also strengthen a bond, said Charlie Taylor, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, who researches social reward sensitivity.

Find silver linings: With practice, it’s possible to notice the positives hidden in things we might first see as negative, Taylor said. For example, if you invited co-workers to get together and only one person showed up, you could easily view that as a failure. But the silver lining, he said, would be that you got to know that one person better.

Forecast future wins: If looking at your calendar sparks dread, Meuret said, pick an event that’s approaching and think of the best possible outcome. If you’re tired and want to back out of meeting a friend for a workout, picture an especially energising class. Imagine smiling at one another across the room, feeling proud. Using imagery can encourage motivation and prime you for more uplifting experiences, Meuret explained.

Give yourself permission to feel happy

Keep in mind, too, that it’s normal to sometimes feel uncomfortable with pleasurable feelings, particularly if you experience depression and anxiety.

“Some people can feel vulnerable when they let themselves feel good,” LaFreniere said. Worrying can make you feel like you’re ready to respond to threats – but by constantly prepping for disaster, he said, we miss the happiness in front of us right now.

On my recent weekend trip with my kids, it was a challenge to let myself have fun. But sharing s’mores by the glistening ocean still filled me with lingering delight. I made sure to pause and savour the best parts, like when some florists gave us fistfuls of hydrangeas and roses from a wedding arch they were taking apart alongside the beach. I felt waves of sadness crashing through the trip, thinking of the friend I had lost, but letting myself bask in love and levity helped me find my balance again.

“The truth is,” LaFreniere said, “sometimes we need to behave like happy people if we actually want to be happy.”

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Jenny Taitz

Illustration by: Hoi Chan

©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES

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