Sexpert Emma Hewitt guides a reader into the steamy waters of BDSM.
Q: I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks and have developed strong feelings for them. We’ve slept together a few times, but during our most recent encounter he asked if he could tie me up.
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But although I’m intimidated, I’m also intrigued… how do I go about dipping my toe into the world of BDSM with someone more experienced?
A: It’s great to see your willingness to explore the world of BDSM with curiosity and caution! Remember, being with someone more experienced can be an advantage as they can guide you through the process. However, don’t let their experience overwhelm you or pressure you into doing something you’re not ready for. Here are some suggestions to help you dip your toe into the world of BDSM with confidence and ensure a positive and pleasurable experience.
Before diving into any BDSM activities, I would first suggest chatting over coffee or dinner, basically somewhere non-sexual. Ask about their experiences and interests and share your thoughts and fantasies. What’s hot to you? What goes on in your imagination when you think about something sexy? And how can you play out some of those fantasies? This open dialogue will help spark excitement and ideas for you both.
Do your own research too. Educate yourself about BDSM from reliable sources, such as articles by BDSM-informed sex educators or video tutorials from reputable websites like Kink Academy, which cover everything you need to know, including safety, different types of play, BDSM tools and safe words. Understanding the concepts and safety measures is crucial before delving deeper.
Because the relationship is new, it might force you to open up with each other a bit earlier than usual, and that’s not a bad thing! People who partake in BDSM tend to be great communicators as they do it often when they play, so follow their lead. If your partner doesn’t want to chat these things through, that’s a red flag. You need to determine what BDSM play means to you and your partner, not just what it means to them.
Only engage in BDSM activities with someone you trust completely. This trust ensures they won’t push your limits beyond what you’re comfortable with. Establish a safe word that allows you to stop the play at any point if you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable.
Begin with simple and low-risk activities that intrigue you. For example, if you’re interested in being tied up, discuss the specifics and set ground rules for what’s allowed and what’s off-limits when you are bound. This can change over time, so be open to adjusting these boundaries as you become more comfortable. And vice versa, you can stop anytime if you say yes to something but don’t enjoy it. BDSM play requires negotiation and consent, which can be withdrawn anytime.
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Advertise with NZME.With that said, keep the communication flowing before, during, and after play. Check in with each other to ensure that you’re both happy, comfortable, and enjoying yourselves.
And don’t forget about aftercare and debriefing — every time. This involves meeting each other’s emotional needs, such as cuddling, talking, or doing something soothing together. Additionally, have a debriefing discussion to share what you liked and what you might do differently next time. While BDSM can be thrilling and fulfilling, it involves risk, so proceed with care, caution, and communication.
Lastly, remember it’s only hot if you are both enjoying it!
Emma Hewitt is a sex educator, writer, commentator, and host of the Electric Rodeo podcast and Adulttoymegastore’s official YouTube channel ATMS TV.
