Ask An Expert: How Can I Support My Friend Through IVF?

Fertility Associates’ director of psychology Andy Leggat gives a reader tips on how to support a friend struggling with fertility.

Q: “After years of trying to conceive, a close friend has recently embarked on her second round of IVF. Lately, I’ve noticed she’s withdrawing from social occasions and, when we do catch up, she’s almost dismissive towards me, as though because I’m a parent, I couldn’t possibly understand how she feels. How can I support her while she’s going through this tough time?”

A: The experience of infertility and undergoing fertility treatment has a uniqueness in the manner that it touches different domains of our wellbeing.

There is the physicality of undergoing treatment, taking medication and undergoing medical procedures. Then there is the emotional impact: the anticipation, excitement, anxiety, grief, loss, anger and frustration. There is also a social impact: how infertility alters how we interact with our external world; our friendships, partners, sex lives, workplace and careers. And of course, for many there is a financial impact: the cost of undergoing treatment. When we consider all of this, we start to comprehend the weight of this diagnosis and pathway.

Despite increasing numbers of people impacted by infertility and those requiring Assisted Reproduction Technologies (ARTs), there is a common theme that is often described: isolation. Watching close friends and other family members enter the parenthood stage of their lives can create a sense of loneliness. It’s like a club that you haven’t been accepted into yet, and you feel little control over how to meet the eligibility criteria.

Seeing someone we care about going through challenging times is always difficult, and often we wish to help as best as we can. Unfortunately, we can sometimes get it wrong, even with the best intentions. It’s hard to know what might be the right or wrong thing to say.

Try to move away from advice-giving. Instead of “I think you need to relax — all that stress can’t be helping,” ask them what they need instead. Try: “I’m here for you”, “Let me know how I can help”, or “I can’t know how you are feeling, but I’m keen to learn.” Support can come in practical forms also, not simply our words. Offer to meet up to go for a walk or help to provide a welcome distraction when your friend is looking for some mental distance from their fertility.

It’s tempting to ask, “What about adoption? Have you tried acupuncture?” Doing your research is great and means that you care. It is human nature to try and fix ‘a problem’, but unless your friend asks for it, it is probably best to not offer treatment recommendations or solutions.

Another common phrase people struggling with infertility often hear is, “It could be worse,” or comparisons to other people’s stories: “My mum’s friend went through infertility and look where they are now.” It’s important to remember that everyone’s pathway is individual to them, so try to steer clear of comparisons, minimising their experience, or finding a positive spin on things. It is sometimes hard to say it out loud but acknowledging their experience and how they feel is sometimes enough to provide support in that moment. For example: “This is such a difficult time,” “I am sorry you are going through this” or ‘I’m sorry that you are hurting.”

Fertility Associates’ director of psychology Andy Leggat supports men and women through fertility treatment and decision-making around alternative ways to form a family, including donor conception, surrogacy and fertility preservation.