Never have I met a person who does not like burgers. I have a sixth sense where I can tell when someone has a distaste for the delicacy and my instincts keep me away from people like that.
Sounding intelligent through big words and a wide vocabulary is not a
Holding a burger is like having the world at your fingertips. Carbs, protein and veges in every mouthful with hints of nostalgia too.
That’s not to say that all burgers are good. Either the buns are cold or the patty is dry or there’s not enough sauce — there’s a lot that can go wrong but here’s a guide to lead you down the right path.
To keep this guide fair, I will be comparing beef burgers as that’s what I associate with a classic burger. The list is in no particular order as each burger serves its own purpose, which I respect.
Unfortunately, all these establishments are in Auckland which I won’t apologise for because it’s not my fault that my hometown is absolutely killing it.
Hotel Ponsonby
The textbook, perfect burger with steamed sesame buns, a light sprinkle of iceberg lettuce, pickles, slice of American plastic cheese and the holy trinity of sauces — ketchup, mayonnaise and mustard. The pattie is so thick and juicy that this is the rare time I would opt for a single over a double. However, most importantly, the patty is properly seasoned with a generous amount of salt and pepper which is crucial in a good burger. An ideal size that leaves you satiated and enough room for a side of shoestring fries. It’s basically McDonald’s on steroids and the fact that it’s only available on Tuesday nights makes it that much more special. You can still get the regular menu on Tuesdays at this local pub/bistro but then again, why would you? 1 Saint Marys Rd, St Marys Bay
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Advertise with NZME.Céleste
Personally, dining in the late hours of the night is not for me. It makes me feel groggy and is barely ever worth it, unless it’s the double smash burger from French neo-bistro Céleste. The buns are so soft that it almost feels inappropriate biting into it and the smashed patty has a beautiful charred flavour to it without being dry because the chefs make up for it with the secret sauce that tastes like the iconic Big Mac. There’s no room for premium French cheese in this creation, just pure American, and I would not have it any other way. It’s only available on Friday as a late-night menu item and I will gladly add this to my bender agenda, even knowing that it could possibly end my night in a cardiac arrest or carb coma. 146B Karangahape Rd, Auckland central
Baby G
If what you’re after is dirty, greasy and pure gluttony, Baby G is it. I don’t know what sort of a day the chef is having but it’s as if they’re taking their anger out on it as they smash it so thinly that I recommend getting a double. There’s a burger called The American and the main difference this has to the regular cheeseburger is just an addition of an heirloom tomato slice but it makes a significant difference. Try this and you will realise that every other tomato inside a burger has been doing you wrong your whole life. The heirloom tomato adds crunch and a touch of sourness to cut through the richness and you will wish all burgers came with a slice. As of now, Baby G remains as a pop-up restaurant so follow them on Instagram to see which kitchen they takeover next as it’s definitely worth tracking down.
Parade
There’s some negative stigma towards a pretzel bun. “Dense” and “dry” are a couple of words that first come to mind when thinking about the class of carbohydrate but I assure you Parade’s double smash burger proves otherwise. The pretzel bun is definitely heavier than the traditional style but it’s unbelievably chewy and buttery, which hits you by surprise. I would say it tastes the least beefy on this list and, depending on my mood, this can be either a positive or negative. However, the perfectly melted cheese that glues itself to the patty is always a good thing. Despite the fact that I am a bit of a purist, Parade’s pretzel buns are the exception because it simply just works. Find Parade along Ponsonby Rd, it’s hard to miss since it’s predominantly outdoor seating. Before you complain about the chances of rain, New Yorkers don’t complain about demolishing a Shake Shack under wet conditions so neither should we. 252 Ponsonby Rd, Ponsonby
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Advertise with NZME.Ralph’s
Speaking of beefy, Ralph’s Deluxe burger always delivers on this front. In the first few bites, you’re only going to get mouthfuls of that beef patty that has been smashed so far that there’s no bun in the world that can fit it within its circumference. Get further into the bun and you’ll find thick slices of pickles glazed in a raunchy ranch dressing which gets people feeling a type of way. I, for one, adore ranch. It’s tart, it’s creamy and a little drizzle goes a long way. There’s also a sprinkle of diced fresh white onions and this balances the decadence of all the other elements which you’ll find is very necessary. If you want me to get into the ambience of this Mt Eden restaurant, let’s not because it doesn’t matter. Take one bite and you’ll find that it’s you and the burger against the world. 225B Dominion Rd, Mt Eden
Lucky Gs
The only time I got to eat this burger was during a shoot for Delivereasy and mind you, enjoying food while cameras are rolling is close to impossible. Lots of factors come into play like how the food is always cold by the time you actually get to eat it because getting the close-up shots is a higher priority than truly indulging. However, despite the fact that the Twice as Nice from Lucky Gs was below room temperature when I had the chance to consume, it’s a moment I still think about. First and foremost, I love the vibe at this Kelston spot (and now with a new outlet in Onehunga). The staff treat you like a friend and they make your burgers with that same love. It’s a hybrid of the modern smash burger with its smoky patty and the fluffy, white buns that take us back to the burger we all used to order from our local fish and chips store — delicious and nostalgic. 1a Westech Place, Glen Eden; 34c Oranga Ave, Onehunga
