Editors and writers from the styles desk of the New York Times gather to discuss the word, its impacts and the evermoving swirl of internet vocabulary.
If you opened TikTok recently and felt that suddenly everyone was using the word “demure” out of nowhere, you’re not alone.
Your morning coffee
Seemingly overnight, an adjective usually reserved for a reserved woman has become the semi-ironic word du jour on social media. On August 2, a TikTok creator who goes by the name Jools Lebron posted a video with tips about managing makeup and moustache sweat and being demure.
Later that day, she posted another video, which has been viewed 4 million times, offering tips on how to be demure at work. “Very demure, very mindful,” she says, explaining her perfume, clothing and hairstyle choices. Lebron has since posted more videos discussing how to be demure in all sorts of situations, like nail salons, hotels and drag shows.
Lebron, who did not respond to requests for comment, is one of several trans creators on TikTok whose playful use of “demure” in recent videos has helped the word catch on with other users.
“There has been so many demure divas who have come before me,” Lebron said in a video, naming two fellow content creators as well as Venus Xtravaganza, a trans performer who featured in the influential documentary Paris Is Burning.
Members of the Styles desk gathered to discuss how anyone and everything, it seems, can be demure.
Madison Malone Kircher: Let’s start with the big question on everyone’s minds: What does “demure” mean in this moment?
Callie Holtermann: Every few weeks, a new word starts getting repeated ad nauseam online in ways that only sort of relate to its original definition. Last week, that word was “brat.” This week, it’s basically the exact opposite: “demure.”
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.Gina Cherelus: Someone who is demure is typically reserved and modest, so it’s always fascinating to see how a word has strayed from its meaning. Now, people online are using it to describe their style of dress, hair or even their simple latte order.
Melissa Guerrero: I’ve also seen people use the word to describe manners, their cleaning habits and setting boundaries with other people.
Cherelus: Someone who is mindful, perhaps even cutesy?
Malone Kircher: Right, Gina, there also seems to be a constellation of related words: “mindful,” “cutesy,” “respectful,” to name a few.
Anthony Rotunno: Some of these terms bring to mind another recent word of the week: “wholesome”. What makes something demure versus wholesome?
Malone Kircher: Demure seems much more feminised.
Holtermann: Demure is not bold and flashy. It’s tucking your hair behind your ear. It’s a Peter Pan collar. It’s nibbling on some raspberries!
Malone Kircher: Nibbling DEMURELY!
Holtermann: I don’t think the people using this term online are actually pushing for people — women, especially — to be more restrained and deferential. I think it’s all kind of a bit.
Guerrero: There’s a hint of sarcasm in demure. I don’t know if wholesome feels like that.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.Holtermann: They’re saying it with a wink: I know that this is typically the affect we associate with femininity, and I’m going to subvert it a bit by applying it to my coffee order or my favourite Real Housewife.
Cherelus: What’s also happening is that people are tailoring it to themselves with additional phrases and words in an attempt to prove they are better at it than the next person. It’s slightly competitive. Like, You might wear your hair in big curls, but I wear a tight bun because I’m demure, not extra.
Malone Kircher: Patrick Ta, the makeup artist, invited Lebron to a brand event in New York this week, which feels like a textbook example of how viral moments quickly become corporate these days.
Rotunno: The word-of-the-week-to-brand-ambassador pipeline strikes again! When was the last time any of you used the word “demure” before this past week? It feels so old-timey.
Cherelus: Almost never, but TikTok reminded me that Emily Gilmore from the show Gilmore Girls once referred to Rory as such, so yes: old-timey.
Guerrero: Demure’s been a word that I have heard the Filipinas in my family use.
Malone Kircher: Demureness inherently feels like it is the opposite of everything brat. Is this the end of “brat” summer?
Rotunno: If Jake Tapper says “demure” on CNN, or if Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia says it while riding a tractor, it is.
Holtermann: I’m sure the think pieces are incoming, but it seems pretty tongue-in-cheek for now. Still, I bet Tim Walz will be getting described as “demure” within the week.
Malone Kircher: Is Tim Walz demure? Don’t answer that. We’ve seen several trends — coquette, the rise of the trad wife — that emphasise the ultrafeminine. Is this related?
Holtermann: The way it’s being used now feels related to the great “girl”-ification of the internet last summer: girl dinner, hot girl walk. I think it’s being used in a way that’s broader than the actual definition. Some of this stuff isn’t actually shy or modest.
Malone Kircher: Exactly. Making videos for millions on the internet isn’t actually demure. And that’s the point.
Holtermann: It feels like a way of establishing one’s parameters for femininity (and maybe even poking fun at the old ones). Trad wives might be demure in a literal sense, but the people using the word online now are going to stretch and reshape its definition into something that feels authentic — or at least fun and silly — to them.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES
More on internet culture
From social media faux pas to hashtag fashion.
Network And No Chill: Why Is LinkedIn So Cringe? AI-generated headshots, meandering personal statements, sycophantic comments. Dan Ahwa unpacks the evolution of how a job networking site has ushered in an era of too much information.
As Charli XCX Ascends, ‘Brat’ Summer Is A Lesson In Hype Literacy. You’ve seen the memes, the merch, the political endorsements. Check out the album, too.
The Kamala Harris Meme Decoders Have Entered The Chat. Since the Vice-President’s elevation to likely Democratic presidential nominee, the internet has gone Kamala coconuts.
Is TikTok’s ‘Clean Girl’ Aesthetic Making Fashion, Well, Boring? From niche trends to super trends, social media algorithms have reshaped the way we dress now. But if everyone looked the same, will we get tired of looking at each other?
Is Anything New? What Internet Trends Like ‘Mob Wife’ & ‘Eclectic Grandpa’ Say About Fashion Right Now. ‘Mob wife’, ‘eclectic grandpa’, ‘coquette girl’ — these viral trends are old hats parading as something shiny and new.
