Awards, nominations and a chart-selling album. Indie musician Vera Ellen had it all. But, as she tells Karl Puschmann, they were some of her darkest days. Her new album Ideal Home Noise charts the black waters that led to her “massive freakout” when the ramifications of its release hit her.
It’s a rare sun-drenched day when Viva zooms into our interview with Vera Ellen. It’s her day off and she’s feeling relaxed, having just finished yoga. As we find out, it hasn’t been easy for the award-winning musician to feel relaxed.
We’re talking today because her startling new album Ideal Home Noise is on the horizon. It’s the much-anticipated follow-up to her Flying Nun debut, It’s Your Birthday, which cracked the Top 20 album charts, was nominated for the Taite Music Prize and saw Vera win Best Alternative Artist at last year’s Aotearoa Music Awards. It also caused her no small amount of dread.
But we’ll get to that in a second. Because first, we have to talk about It’s Your Birthday. Some of the songs on that album were written when she was just 21. She was 26 when the album was finally released. She had so much distance from the songs that she was surprised at the reception they were getting. She hadn’t stopped writing songs, so to find herself playing “old” songs felt weird.
“I always try to reconnect with the song, because I never want to just play a song. I can’t. I can’t do that, even in rehearsal. When we were rehearsing it was like pulling teeth. But when it comes to the performance, I’m like, ‘Okay, get back into this feeling.’ As an artist that’s how I function, by tapping into some deep emotional space. Hopefully, that comes across in a way that is slightly chaotic, but genuine.”
Channelling and reliving those original emotions drains her.
“I don’t want to party or see people or anything after a show. I just want to retreat because I feel like I have nothing better to give them than whatever I just gave,” she sighs. “Socially, sometimes that can be weird. But I feel like I’m like undoing the work I just did by going out and talking to people.”
The songs are intimate and lonely. Catchy and very cool, yes, but also full of pain. It’s easy to see how going back inside them night after night could have a mental toll.
“That’s something I’m quite nervous about for this record,” she says quietly. “Because this record is another level of how deep it is. It’s about self-doubt and hatred and fear. It’s Your Birthday was more to do with other people. It was outward, like, ‘You hurt me, so f*** you!’ This is more like, ‘I hurt myself.’ I am feeling worried about touring and playing and singing these songs. Some of the words are not things you want to be singing to yourself.”
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Advertise with NZME.It was tough for her to put her feelings into words this time around. Not just because of their inward focus, but also because she knew she was putting herself under the microscope on a scale she previously hadn’t.
“I had a massive freakout when I got the test pressing back,” she says. “During the entire creative process I wasn’t thinking about the outcome of it, because it’s a whole process in itself, and terrifying in its own way. But once I got the test pressing back I was on the floor, holding a pillow over my face.
“I was like, ‘What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do this?’ I wanted to personally call everyone I knew and apologise. I think as an artist, you go through these different emotional spouts and you can get a bit dramatic. But it did feel like, ‘If people don’t like this, how am I not going to take it personally?’ I think I’ve worked through that to some degree now.”
The brutally vulnerable introspection of the album came about from two things. The first was that she started therapy.
“It obviously brought up a lot and I was like, ‘Whoa! Okay, we have a lot to deal with here,’” she says, grinning.
And the second was that she got sick. Really sick. She was passing out, and couldn’t walk. She was hospitalised and diagnosed with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, a form of dysautonomia that is a disorder of autonomic nervous system function. Later, she had a seizure and found herself back in the hospital.
“You spend a lot of time alone. I had to battle with a lot because I’m very independent. Asking for help was really hard and having to lean on other people was really hard. I had to work through a lot of that stuff and push through things. That was a big part of it.”
As she talks her jokey, self-deprecating demeanour slips away and she starts to hold back tears.
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Advertise with NZME.“I didn’t want to just give up. And I didn’t really feel like I had that choice. I don’t really feel like I ever have that choice. I mean, obviously, I did in points, which is what will the album’s about. But I think, for the most part, yeah ... My family motivates me because I have nephews and nieces.”
Then her smile returns and she says, “All the little kids in my life need a cool aunt to provide them stuff to watch on YouTube.”
Identifying her emotions isn’t a strong point. Which is where her music comes in. Songwriting lets her understand her true feelings. It’s the best therapy for her, even better than regular therapy. She smiles warmly when she says she’s now on the other side of this dark journey.
“I’ve always struggled with depression. Acceptance has come with knowing it’s gonna be a part of my life and there will be bouts of it. Last week, I had a little bit of that for a few days there. And I’m like, ‘Oh, is it coming back?’ and then I remind myself that I’ve grown and learned a lot. As an adult, I have tools now to function and move through things. That’s really exciting. When you’re younger, you just feel like everything’s happening at you. Now there’s the sense that I have some power and control in how I respond to those things.”
Is this, then, a new era of Vera?
“Yes. I think I can confidently say that.”
Then, in a strong confident voice, she laughs and repeats, “It’s a new era of Vera!”
Vera Ellen’s new album ‘Ideal Home Noise’ releases on Friday, March 31, on Flying Nun Records. To support the album she’s playing Dunedin’s Dive on March 31. Wunderbar in Christchurch on April 1, Auckland’s Whammy on April 14 and closing the tour at San Fran in Wellington on April 15.
