I Asked My Tradie Husband To Do My Makeup For Me. This Is How It Went

A builder wielding a bronzer brush. What could possibly go wrong?! Quite a lot, apparently. See the final result below.

The first line that came out of my husband’s mouth when I asked him to do my makeup for me was: “What’s this one? Oh, that’s a candle.”

We were off to a flying start.

After a decade together, one of the pain points in our relationship is how long I spend doing my makeup before we leave the house. I like to take my time; Sam likes to be on time. You can see the dilemma.

It was with this in mind that I challenged Sam to take matters into his own hands, to see if he could apply a full face of makeup in less time than me (it currently takes me around 20 minutes from start to finish, including skincare).

A builder by trade, Sam’s spent the past 13 years slinging a hammer. But he seemed far more intimidated when wielding a bronzer brush than he did with what’s technically considered a weapon.

Sam: “This one doesn’t even have a label?”

Ash: “That’s M.A.C Strobe Cream. Does that give you any clues as to what you use it for?”

Sam: “You use it when you’re going to a rave — when you want to hit the strobe lights.”

Laying the foundation

I laid all of my makeup on to the bathroom counter for Sam to familiarise himself with before he got started, but included a few decoys to see how well he really knew my routine.

After a few very confused huh and hmms, I throw Sam a clue.

Ash: “How do you think you’re going to start?”

Sam: “I’m looking for sunblock. I thought that’s how you’re supposed to start.”

I was impressed. Six years of being married to a beauty editor had actually taught him something.

I explain that we were creating a date-night look, and since it would be dark by the time we left the house, sunscreen wasn’t necessary.

Sam: “I’ve got two foundations here, I feel like foundation is the place to start. You start with the foundations, as a builder would.”

He inspects both the MCo Beauty Ultra Stay Flawless Foundation, $27, and Hourglass Ambient Soft Glow Foundation, $101, weighing up his options for my base makeup.

Sam: “Well, you’re already flawless but I think I’ll use this one.”

Cue eye-roll here.

He tries to twist the cap off instead of using the pump (wrong) which is accompanied by a “good grief”.

Pausing, the foundation goes back on the counter and Sam grabs a primer.

Me, being the control freak I am, blurt out: “Wait, do you think the primer would need to go under the foundation?”

Sam: “Am I priming for the foundation? I’m going to start with this. I’m going for the big bottles because they seem to be the ones that cover your face.”

Arming himself with the Hourglass Vanish Airbrush Primer, $140, Sam gets to work smearing it on my face.

Sam: “I have no idea how much of this to use.” Yikes.

It takes him four pumps before I interject to say that’s enough, feeling the money slipping through my fingers.

Sam: “I’ll use upward strokes.” Again, more points for the beauty editor husband.

Ash: “So what’s your game plan here? Are you going to cover up my freckles like I do or leave them on show?”

Sam: “I don’t really have one. I usually work from a set of plans that someone else drew for me and I just follow along. So this is new for me.”

Switching to foundation now, Sam takes a “slowly slowly” approach to smooth it on.

Sam: “I think I’ve used too much. This is way too thick. This is quickly looking like war paint.”

Nervous laughter ensues.

Sam: “Should I be using a sponge? I feel like I’ve seen you use a sponge.” He means a BeautyBlender.

Ash: “I sometimes do but I’m currently using my fingers. You can get this one to settle nicely if you let the product warm to your fingertips.”

I give him another hint to blend, blend, blend and note he’s missed my upper lip entirely.

Ash: “I’m really thinking you’ve run out of product now”, as he drags a dry finger across my face for what felt like the 100th time.

He surveys his options once more, opening all manner of palettes and bronzers to figure out what’s next in the line-up.

Ash: “I’ll give you a hint. Do you think I’m looking a bit tired?”

Sam correctly identifies concealer (Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $56) and starts using the doe foot applicator to daub four little splodges of product under my eyes. It cakes immediately.

Ash: “Oh wow, babe this hurts my soul.” I cringe as he continues to layer it on.

Sam: “Are we going to be able to salvage this? More foundation I think. Just lay more bricks.”

Ash: “One thing you should know about Shape Tape is that it dries quickly.”

Sam: “Yeah I’m finding that out the hard way. It’s rapid set.”

He squirts a little bit of foundation onto his fingertips and starts smearing this on top of the concealer.

Sam: “OH NOOOOO. This is an error. It’s just smearing.”

He pauses.

Sam: “Oh actually...”

Ash: “Does it look good?”

Sam: “No, it doesn’t look good. But it’s not as bad as I thought.”

At this point, I was losing faith. The foundation-concealer sandwich really threw me.

Ash: “Can I just try and help you? You can get way closer to my eye.”

He goes back in with more concealer (please God no).

Sam: “Beautiful. Not bad, not bad so far.”

There’s no chance I’m going out looking like this.

A coat of colour

And we’re back to surveying products again. We run through options for setting powder, blush and bronzer.

Sam: “I’m going to use a little bit of this one. Get that glow and make the whole thing pop. Like a clearcoat.”

He’s waving around a tube of the new L’Oreal Paris Glotion, $28, a complexion perfector and highlighter hybrid.

Ash: “Where are you putting that?”

Sam: “Everywhere?”

I shudder. If my pores could talk they’d probably be hysterical at this point.

Ash: “Okay, all right. It’s going all over my cheeks on top of my set foundation. We’re really layering it on today.”

Sam nods, impressed with himself. He changes tact and reaches for my favourite Charlotte Tilbury Luxury Palette in the shade Pillowtalk, $109, and an Hourglass All-Over Eyeshadow Brush, $73.

Sam: “This little brush I feel goes above the eye? And this matches the little hole in this eyeshadow.” He’s not wrong.

Ash: “Okay how high are we going?” sensing he’s sent the colour all the way to my brow bone.

He doesn’t reply. I fill the silence.

Ash: “Do you think right now you’re faster than I am?”

Sam: “I think with a bit of practice I could be.”

Ever the creative, he switches from a pale pink hue through to a gold metallic.

Sam: “I like the gold. Ooh, it’s quite sparkly! Loving it.”

Time for powdered products now, he picks up the Mecca Max Super Powder All-Over Brush, $29, and the Charlotte Tilbury Bronzer, $106, and begins swirling this on to my forehead.

Ash: “Very light application.”

Sam: “I’m scared of boofing too much on. Better powder your schnoz.”

Ash: “Do you think I would actually go out with this makeup?”

Sam: “I think you look great.”

Ash: “Are you being sarcastic?” He ignores me.

Sam: “The brush part is my favourite part so far. I feel like it’s a bit more forgiving than the foundation.”

Next, he reaches for the Wet N Wild Colour Icon Blush, $9, with the Lily Lolo Blush Brush, $30.

He sighs, disappointed at his efforts, which makes me think he’s already gone a bit rogue.

Trying to reassure him, I remind him: “I do suffer from a bit of blush blindness so you might be all right.”

Sam: “I kinda just chucked that all in one spot.”

Ash: “So, you’re trying to correct it by going over it?”

Sam: “Nah, just trying to blend it.”

He keeps doing the old “stand back and check” thing which I’ve seen makeup artists do countless times before. Inspecting his handiwork as it were.

Sam: “Now I’m going to do your eyebrows.” He picks up the Rose Inc Brow Renew Enriched Eyebrow Shaping Gel, $49.

Ash: “What shape are you going with?”

Sam: “I think the middle is meant to be flicked up, then it like streakies [sic] out to the outer bits.”

Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up.

Sam: “The more I look, the more I realise where I’ve missed. I’ve missed the area between the eyebrows with everything, there’s no makeup on there.”

He hands me a tube of the Rare Beauty Perfect Strokes Universal Volumizing Mascara, $43.

Sam: “I want you to do the mascara part.”

Ash: “Top and bottom?”

Sam: “Just the top.”

I do so, dutifully.

The big reveal

Time check: it’s been 29 minutes.

Sam: “It’s very splotchy. I’ve missed some spots for sure. But I think I grasped the essence.”

Ash: “Do you think you did everything in the right order?”

Sam: “I feel like this was a test — my theory would’ve been a seven out of 10 but the practical execution would’ve been a four.”

Ash: “And you still think you’re faster than me?”

Sam: “With a bit of practice I reckon I could knock that down to 10 minutes. I spent longer trying to read the labels than actually apply it.”

I look in the mirror.

Ash: “Wow, okay you’ve really avoided my eyebrows. And we’ve got quite a defined foundation line in between my cheek and my ear. You probably should’ve used primer on my nose to hide my pores, too. But my hairline’s not bad actually. The brow grooming is good, but there is a lot of foundation stuck in my brow hairs. Probably a little heavy handed on the blush. This is pretty [right side]. This [left side] looks like I’m about to enter a clown competition.”

After mostly nodding in agreement, Sam asked for the full run-down of how I do my own makeup:

Sam: “Nailed it. I feel like I did it perfectly.”

I scoffed.

Ash: “Do you think I’d ever let you do my makeup again?”

Sam: “No.”

Ash: “Do you think I’d go out looking like this?”

Sam: “You could. Just put on a fancy dress. I reckon it looks great. You look pretty.”

Ash: “Thank you. Bless you.”

Sam: “Next week you’re building trusses. Good luck.”

Ashleigh Cometti is an Auckland-based beauty journalist with more than 12 years’ experience in the industry. After joining the Viva team in 2018 and being appointed beauty editor in 2020, Ash has fine-tuned her skills at sniffing out new fragrance launches, discovering the next generation of talented makeup artists and writing about all things that feed her obsession as a skincare fanatic.

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