In a ninth-floor office in a Wellington building a man in a suit sits behind a desk. He has a furrowed brow. He is surrounded by buckets. There is water dripping from the ceiling. Plonk. Plonk. Plonk. He is in a leaky building.
As anyone who has ever had a leaking roof knows, identifying the source of the leak is a tricky business. Identifying whoever leaked what are claimed to be details of Labour’s tax plans to Opposition deputy leader Nicola Willis might prove even trickier. She almost managed not to look like the Cheshire Cat when announcing what bounty had dropped into her bucket.
As leaks go, it wasn’t going to excite WikiLeaks. Labour planned to remove GST from fruit and veges, which appears to amount to the astounding saving for households of about $5 a week, or a bunch of bananas.
Whoever the leaker is, they must have it in for Prime Minister Chris Hipkins, formerly known as Chippy, who is now Mr Not Quite So Chipper. Having to get about in your office wearing a raincoat, dodging buckets and rotting bananas will do that to a chap.
It is tempting to think he keeps a dartboard in his office decorated with the face of whoever he suspects is the leaker. It is also tempting to think the leaker, too, has in his or her office a dartboard adorned with the face of the PM.
The government’s chief whip, Tangi Utikere, moonlighting as Inspector Clouseau, could just follow the thunk, thunk, thunk sound of darts hitting the board. Or perhaps it would be better not to follow the thunks and to have the caucus wear chatter-cancelling headphones until election night. To expose the leaker would be to expose a further fracture in Labour’s already fractious caucus. This is the second caucus leak. The first was about allegations of bad temper and shouting by ex-justice minister and soon to be ex-MP Kiri Allan.
The former chief government whip, the whippet from Wairarapa Kieran McAnulty, who seldom puts a gumbooted foot wrong, said about that leak: “It wouldn’t have happened when I was whip.” The whippet was lucky to escape the whip himself for making such a comment because, tsk, tsk, it is very poor political manners for a previous whip to be publicly whipping the current whip. He apologised.
Whodunnit
There must be suspects. We can pretty safely rule out Finance Minister Grant Robertson and former revenue minister David Parker, despite both being plainly miffed when the big boss canned their pet projects, the wealth and capital gains taxes.
Parker quit the revenue gig. They were both forced to proclaim their loyalty to the leadership and the party. If you have to stress your loyalty it means you are aware that there might be an idea that you have the hump. And so might be perceived to be less than loyal. But neither of them would be silly enough to be poking more holes in what appears to be Labour’s deflating lilo.
What about former transport minister Michael Wood? He was forced to give himself the order of the boot and resign his ministerial posts after shilly-shallying about divesting himself of his shares – which constituted a conflict of interest.
In his party’s recently released list rankings he nosedived 22 places to 45. He is expected to retain his Mt Roskill seat, which you might think makes his new, low ranking irrelevant. It doesn’t. It’s a message from his leader: if you can convince your electorate to re-elect you after such inglorious cock-ups, you still have a future. If you can’t, perhaps stock-broking might work for you.
Former minister Phil Twyford was at No 4 in 2020. He’s now ignominiously No 49. Is he any good at darts?
A Q&A for the PM: How many MPs will Labour have after the election? 1. Heaps. 2. Some. 3. Not as many as we have now. 4. Who the hell knows? When asked, the PM, valiantly attempting to resurrect his Chippy persona, said: “Heaps”. How many former ministers is too many? Heaps.
Moving target
At National’s pre-announcement of its transport policy announcement, infrastructure spokesman Chris Bishop and transport spokesman Simeon Brown posed wearing bright-yellow hard hats and suits. They looked like a right pair of Charlies.
What is this predilection National MPs have for posing as construction workers? Perhaps the party’s consultants have advised them that looking like right Charlies sends the right message that they are just regular guys and gals who are willing to get on the end of a shovel to “Get New Zealand Back on Track”. Just not on a light-rail track.
National, if elected, has said it will rain on the Let’s Get Wellington Moving project – as if Wellington needed more rain – including canning the light-rail element of the LGWM scheme, a council- and central government-funded plan that also suggests restricting vehicles from the central business district.
Thus far it hasn’t got far. According to The Post, $114.3 million has been spent on LGWM over the past eight years, $70 million of that on consultants. And all that the money seems to have created is a glorified pedestrian crossing.
How much does a zebra crossing cost? A bit more than buying an actual zebra. In the US they go for between US$4000 and US$10,000. You can’t buy them in New Zealand, but $114.3 million of zebras would really get Wellington moving.
It is election year so you expect a bit of biffo. Admit it, you look forward to a bit of biffo.
National MP Tim van de Molen is the latest politician to be referred to the privileges committee – also known as the place MPs go to get the cane. This follows a complaint about alleged behaviour towards Labour’s Shanan Halbert at the end of a select committee meeting on June 29. Van de Molen is accused of standing over Halbert in a “threatening or intimidating” manner, Newshub has reported. Recollections differ. Van de Molen should consider borrowing Bishop’s hard hat for his committee appearance.
The good news is a report has found Parliament’s work culture, revealed in a 2019 review to be a generally crap, has “improved significantly”. Now everybody is respectful and polite to each other and MPs have quit bullying and shouting at each other. Now it’s all rainbows and unicorns – and Labour leaks.
