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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly column that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings. If you enjoy a “serious laugh” - and complaining about politics and politicians - you’ll enjoy reading Greg’s latest grievances.
Wayne is hot for Simeon, but is Simeon hot for Wayne?
If we learned anything from the release to The Post this week of a cache of text messages between Auckland Minister Simeon Brown and Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown it is that in this particular May-December relationship, Wayne appears more into young Simeon than young Simeon is into Wayne.
Released under the Local Government Official Information and Meetings Act, the texts show that the Auckland Mayor is the most proactive texter of the two. His multiple messages to the Auckland Minister range from moaning about bureaucrats to kissing arse.
Wayne complains — but then, isn’t he always complaining? — about, in no particular order, Auckland Transport, Waka Kotahi, reduced-speed zones in Auckland’s CBD and being stuck in “boring” council meetings.
The arse-kissing includes texts of such transparent sweet nothings as “Great working with you, now for the Integrated Transport Plan”.
For his part, the messages from Simeon, or at least the ones reported, suggest the boy king of Auckland likes to play it cool and not give too much away.
Significantly, however, on a number of occasions Wayne’s heartfelt messages to Simeon went unanswered.
It is hard to know what to make of that. Is Wayne some sort of Baby Reindeer-type who is stalking his minister by sending texts? Or is Simeon the type who likes to treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen?
The only thing we know for sure is that they both wear trousers, so it is impossible to tell who is really wearing the trousers.
More concerning is that two texts between the pair were redacted under a clause in the act concerning the use of “improper pressure”.
Who was applying improper pressure to, er, what and whom is as unclear. However The Post reported that “according to the Ombudsman’s office, the clause can only apply if there is a reasonable likelihood of improper pressure or harassment and that what is redacted is linked to the behaviour”.
Egad! What could these messages possibly say? “If you’re not home soon, I’m giving your dinner to the dog and your trousers to Auckland Transport”?
Or maybe, “If you don’t reply to my text message, I’m spending all our money on road cones and will tell everyone you don’t have a driver licence”?
Whatever the naughty messages said, Another Kind of Politics suggests the best way to repair any hurt feelings is for Wayne to doing something nice for Simeon and for Simeon to do something nice for Wayne.
And in the future, Wayne, perhaps you could not overshare all the time, and Simeon, perhaps you could be more sensitive to Wayne’s needs.
The Mood of the Bored Room
And now from the file marked, “Thank You, Captain Obvious”, comes the far-from-revelatory news that the nation’s business types think the coalition, a government that might as well be called the National-led Coalition For Business, is doing a mostly bang-up job on the stuff that matters to business.
The Mood of the Boardroom, the annual round-up of what the country’s CEOs are thinking, found this club of mostly white, middle-aged, rich men think … zzzz … sorry, drifted off there …
Actually there was one thing these overpaid, jargon-spraying, wannabe masters of the universe said that was vaguely interesting among their hardly unexpected calls for the government to lower corporate tax and slash regulation.
It was that the performance of the Prime Minister, the down-to-earth multimillionaire Christopher Luxon, has not been nearly as impressive as some of his ministerial minions. Luxon rated just sixth, behind Erica Stanford, Simeon Brown, Nicola Willis, Chris Bishop and Judith Collins.
In short, the so-called CEO Prime Minister, a former CEO himself, of course, has, thus far, not been particularly impressive to other CEOs.
Does it matter? Probably not to Luxon, who likes to claim he cares only about outcomes. But it doesn’t really matter what he thinks. It’s what his colleagues and his party make of it that matters.
That’s your biggest problem when you’re a political leader struggling for popularity: it can be hard to know if you’re being followed, or whether you’re being chased by some ambitious “friends” wielding a knife.
Should SOS stand for Sinking Our Stuff?
What’s the difference between KiwiRail and the Royal New Zealand Navy?
The answer is when you are KiwiRail and you run a ship aground, you get shit from the government. But when you’re the navy and you manage to sink a $100 million ship the country has no hope of replacing, the PM shakes your hand.
You may remember that immediately after the grounding of the Interislander ferry Aratere near Picton in June, Transport Minister Simeon Brown said the government was “very disappointed” in the state of KiwiRail’s asset management and Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters spread misinformation about the crew leaving the ship on autopilot, something he claimed had been a cover-up.
Meanwhile, the Manawanui — after apparently setting sail during a “maintenance period” — actually sinks and threatens an environmental disaster in another country, and when the crew fly home (their survival is the only positive), PM Luxon and Defence Minister Judith Collins rushed to Whenuapai for a photo opportunity for their social media channels.
So what’s the difference between KiwiRail’s ferry service and our navy? One is a vital maritime service for the country, the other is the navy. One contributes hugely to the economy, the other is the navy. One is a state-owned enterprise the ideologues of the hardcore Right would just love to sell off, the other is the navy.
Cynical photo ops were the least of it this week. The most ridiculous response was from Ron Mark, the former Defence Minister who helped procure the Manawanui, who went on RNZ’s Morning Report and, when asked about his reaction to the sinking, said “It’s my ship, and I’m gutted, absolutely gutted”.
Not as gutted as the ship — or the people of Samoa facing the possibility of environmental disaster.
Political Quiz of the Week?
Where is Greens co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick (left)?
A/ In her happy place.
B/ On a “camping” trip.
B/ Visiting a dream world where everything is absolutely fabulous.
D/ In an alternative universe where Darleen Tana was never a Green Party candidate.
