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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly column which appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings. If you enjoy a “serious laugh” - and complaining about politics and politicians - you’ll enjoy reading Greg’s latest grievances.
And so it came to pass that the three wise men entered Parliament’s theatrette and stood upon its stage looking pleased with themselves.
The first among them, Christopher of National, spoke unto the gathering saying, “Yea, verily, we have come from the Temple of the Beehive. Have you heard the Good News?”
A hush fell upon all who heard this, though they knew not whether they might understand the Good News. Christopher of National often babbled in tongues only the money lenders could understand.
Saith Christopher, “In the year of our Lord 2023, we of National did promise unto the people that from July we would bring forth 13 new cancer drugs to cure the sick, and to thank us, the people, in their wisdom, gave us their favour.”
Those gathered knew this to be true, but it caused a great stirring and much unrest, with one crying out, “If thou art, as thou claims, the sole keeper of the mysterious ways of economics, and thou art so caring of the sick that thou would make such a promise, then tell us, why did the funding of the 13 not come to pass in the Budget four weeks ago?”
Saith Christopher, “T’was the Devil’s doing, he was in the details.”
Though Christopher had uttered the name of he-who-should-not-be-named, there was now much mirth amongst the gathered. The one who had cried out before, was heard to shout out again. “I thought thou were supposed to be wise, oh Christopher of National? Why did thou not tell the people in the year of our Lord 2023 that the Devil was in the details? Could it be that thou art a prophet who testifies falsely to earn the favour of the people?”
Saith Christopher, “The Devil was not only in the details. Satan possessed our communications as well. He said unto us that during the Festival of the Budget I and my disciplines should pretend we had forgotten all about the promise of the 13 because the people were not wise at all but were thick and would not notice. The Devil is powerfully persuasive. It was only after the intervention of an exorcist from the Church of Public Relations that we were able cast out Satan and his bad publicity.”
There was another great murmuring among the gathering. Some cried out “bullshit”, others asked “might this unholy cock-up have anything to do with making campaign promises based on blind faith?”
Saith Christopher in a commanding voice: “Thou shalt forget the past! As it says in the Book of Management, the ends justify the means, for it is only outcomes that matter. Yea verily, you will remember only the Good News, and it is this: though we told the people during the Festival of the Budget that the Temple was out of shekels, we have now found 604 million of them over four years to buy not 13 but 54 new drugs.”
The gathering fell into silence. To many, it was if they had been promised loaves and fishes only for the waiter to serve a nine-course degustation with matching wines followed by a dessert trolley. It seemed too good to be true, and many among them feared the bill.
“How can this be?” cried the voice.
“It is a miracle!” proclaimed Christopher.
“Rubbish,” cried the voice. “Where did you find so many shekels?”
“It is very complicated, and you are thick so will not understand.”
“Try me,” cried the voice.
Saith Christopher, “Well it is a very complex fiscal miracle whereby we take future shekels from future Festivals of the Budget and turn them into shekels in the here-and-now so we might pay for the 54 new drugs from October.”
“So,” cried the voice, “are you saying you are robbing Peter to pay Paul?”
The Gospel According to Simeon, Blamer of Others
And so it came to pass that the Lord moved in mysterious ways and a mighty pylon was cast down upon the Earth, and a mighty ship was seen to smite the Land.
Among the people, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the seers predicted more booking of flights to Australia.
Many among the people began to believe that the falling pylon and the smiting ship were signs, not of the Lord’s wrath, but that the drongos in charge of things did not know what the hell they were doing.
Simeon came among them to explain what was going on. “I am Simeon of National and I say a pylon does not just fall down,” he proclaimed, and the people knew this to be true.
“But none of this is my fault,” continued Simeon. “It is the evil work of the Demon Labour, who possessed this land for a thousand years.”
One among the people said unto Simeon, “But did not the Demon Labour only possess the land for six years? And did not National possess the land for nine years before that and many other years in the past? So how can it be that all evils are the work of the Demon Labour?”
Saith Simeon, “Have you heard the Good News?”
