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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly column that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings. If you enjoy a “serious laugh” - and complaining about politics and politicians - you’ll enjoy reading Greg’s latest grievances.
Headlines we’d like to see - but aren’t likely to
Government responsible for more sunlight, minister claims
In the wake of claiming responsibility for a fall in inflation, Finance Minister Nicola Willis says the government is also behind the increase in sunshine hours.
“The shorter days and colder weather over the past few months were a result of the previous government’s failed policies. Thanks to National, New Zealand can expect more sunlight and warmer days soon.”
However, scientists from the National Institute of Water and Atmospheric Research (NIWA) dispute Willis’s claim.
“After a period of inflation, when the number of hours of darkness and the number of cold weather days increases, the winter equinox signals the days will lengthen again, and from September winter is always over,” a NIWA weatherman said.
“Inflation and deflation in warmer days and sunshine hours are a global phenomenon. As every child knows, what goes up must come down. It is inevitable.”
However Willis doubled down on her claim that the National-led government was responsible for earlier sunrises and the prospect of warmer temperatures.
“This government is committed to bringing an end to winter. And it is bringing an end to winter,” she said.
New clues in hunt for country’s missing ex
Search and rescue experts are hopeful Labour will be found soon after a tipoff that it is still alive.
The party disappeared into the wilderness more than 10 months ago after an argument with the electorate.
Although Labour claimed it was in a loving relationship, the electorate said the romance had died some years ago and it wanted Labour out of the House. Labour disappeared soon after receiving divorce papers.
Some experts believed it had subsequently died, though search and rescue had failed to find its corpse.
On the rebound, the electorate has since embraced polyamory and is now in a new relationship with three parties, although it has been confiding to friends that a ménage à quatre isn’t all it is cracked up to be.
Search and rescue workers said yesterday that they now had proof that Labour is still alive after a tipoff that taxpayers were still paying its MPs, and its MPs were still spending their salaries, despite the party having disappeared months ago.
“Our new plan is to follow the money and hope that we can find the party,” said a search and rescue spokesman.
Act Party denies leader escaped from lab
Claims Act leader David Seymour is an escapee from a lab experiment gone wrong have been denied by his party officials.
The Green Party says it has leaked evidence proving Seymour was part of the first wave of genetic modification (GM) lab trials 20 year ago, in which boffins experimented with the removal of the so-called “empathy gene” from living human beings.
Scientists hoped that by getting rid of the gene it would make it much easier for neoliberals to help the rich at the expense of the poor, believe in “trickle down” economics and to make claims that those at the bottom of the heap were actually getting special privileges because of their ethnicity.
The scientists later experimented with editing other genes, including the one controlling the sense of embarrassment.
However the secret experiment went terribly wrong, according to the leaked documents.
Unexpected consequences of the gene editing included Seymour believing he could dance, being unable to eat anything green and suffering from the delusion that some foods were politically correct.
As a result of the failure, GE was banned from being released into the community, and Seymour was instead confined to making policies in the lab only.
However the leaked documents reveal scientists had accidentally removed a gene thought to prevent some humans from knowingly boring others, which is how Seymour was able to facilitate his escape. He reportedly talked about the virtues of small government until his guards fell asleep, allowing him to get away.
Act Party officials said yesterday that any claims Seymour was genetically modified were spurious, as was the claim he had escaped from a lab.
“As anyone with eyes and ears will know, there is nothing strange about David Seymour,” said a party official.
However, the Greens claimed that Seymour’s appearances on Dancing With The Stars and his claims that sushi is “woke” proved beyond all doubt the veracity of the leaked documents.
Describing Seymour as “a warning from history”, a Green Party spokesperson said the government should dump its recently announced plans to lift the 20-year ban on the use of GE outside the lab.
“Has the country not suffered enough?” they said.
Road Cones to Govt: “We shall not be moved”
The government’s war on road cones is headed for a highway to hell after a wave of radicalisation among the orange safety markers.
A spokes-cone announced yesterday that the country’s many millions of road cones have formed a trade union to protect their jobs.
“We exist to safeguard others, yet this vindictive government has declared we are the menace,” the spokes-cone said.
“It has left us with no choice but to unionise. As of this morning the National Union Of Road Cones is 60-million strong and we expect the remaining 120 million road cones to join by the end of the week.
“Road cones might be orange on the outside, but we are red to the core.”
The spokes-cone said the union had already embarked on a campaign of civil disobedience to bring home to the government that road cone rights cannot be ignored.
“From today we have formed picket lines in every town and city in the country, which will mean drivers become stuck in endless traffic loops from which they cannot escape.
“Remember: there are more of us than there are of you. Road cones are here to stay. We shall not be moved.”
A spokesperson for Transport Minister Simeon Brown said the minister was unable to comment on the emergence of a road cones union after his phone died while he was stuck in a 20km tailback.
Political Quiz of the Week
What is the Prime Minister, the down-to-earth multimillionaire Christopher Luxon, doing in this picture?
A/ Digging himself a political hole to fall in to.
B/ Filling in a political hole he’d previously fallen in to.
C/ Uncovering the government’s new poverty trap.
D/ Burying the health system after it died last week.
