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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly column that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings. If you enjoy a “serious laugh” - and complaining about politics and politicians - you’ll enjoy reading Greg’s latest grievances.
Allegations of bullying. Calling people names. Arguments over wearing badges on their uniforms. Talking when they’ve been told to be quiet. Picking on others for being different.
If our Parliament’s MPs were a high school class, the little buggers would provide an excellent argument for Bringing Back the Birch.
First to get a sound thrashing ought to be the Act Party.
Its leader David Seymour turned Parliament into a farce with an apparent “protest” over one of his first-term MPs, Laura Trask, not being picked to chair the select committee hearing into the repeal of section 7AA of the Oranga Tamariki Act, which is seen by some as an ideologically- driven attack on Māori by the Act Party.
This made Surly Seymour’s complaint to Speaker Gerry Brownlee that Trask, a Pākehā, wasn’t selected due to racism somewhat of an irony.
Other MPs on the committee, meanwhile, said the Act MP wasn’t picked because the hearings were expected to be fiery and difficult and Trask, who ran a fire evacuation consultancy, has three seconds of parliamentary experience. However Surly Seymour wasn’t having any of it, so led the most pathetic protest in our political history — wearing his Act Party lapel pin in the House, which is against parliamentary rules.
This, in turn, led the Speaker to ban Surly Seymour from answering during Oral Questions until his pin was removed. That might be a win for those who hope never to hear Surly Seymour’s voice again, but for those wanting this government held to account, it was a loss.
Now, Surly Seymour, who once twerked on Dancing With The Stars, might seem like the class nerd but he’s been behaving like the smartarse up the back who thinks he knows better than everyone else and likes to waste class time by picking pointless fights with other students and the teacher.
So, six of the best for him.
Meanwhile, fellow Act MP Karen Chhour, who as Children’s Minister is in charge of the 7AA repeal as well as the government’s dubious Boot Camp experiment, blubbered like a child to a TV reporter last week, claiming the other kids were picking on her.
Chhour deserves the strap for shamelessly playing the victim, but we couldn’t stand more bawling.
Instead we’re nominating her for next year’s Emmy for Best Performance in a Melodrama That’s All About Her. Perhaps teacher should give her a teaspoon of cement as well. That might harden her up.
There are also badly behaved ratbags in National.
Trade Minister and failed insult comic Todd McClay apparently thought he was hilarious yelling “you’re not in Mexico now” at Mexican-born Green MP Ricardo Menéndez March in the House. He was wrong. McClay was wrong too when, in his letter of apology to Menéndez March, he called this abject xenophobia “friendly banter”.
So, six of the best for him.
Then there is the Prime Minister, the down-to-earth multimillionaire and failed insult comic Christopher Luxon. He seemed to think Wednesday’s Question Time was the Comedy Festival with his apparent suggestion that Te Reo shouldn’t be used in communications with Australian politicians because they’re a bit thick.
“In my dealings with Australians, it always pays to be incredibly simple and clear and use English,” he said.
So, six of the best for him.
And finally, there is the leader of NZ First, the Deputy Prime Minister and famous insult comic Winston Peters, who last month used the word “retard” in the House when referring to comments made by Pāti Māori co-leader Debbie Ngarewa-Packer.
So, six of the best for him.
This country remains in an appalling state, with a crumbling public health system, growing poverty and homelessness, high interest rates and the latest figures for economic growth, employment and business and consumer confidence all in the toilet.
While the rest of us suffer through this winter of discontent, is it too much to expect that our MPs behave like adults and do their job?
Apparently it is. If only this class could be dismissed.
Can this government actually add up?
Does the government need to be put in a remedial maths class?
If you answered yes, go to the top of the class. The government, on the other hand, looks destined to flunk out this year.
Having soundly proven itself incapable of the simple act of accurately counting the number of managers between the CEO of Health NZ and patients, the government this week proved it plays fast and loose with statistics as well.
In a speech at National’s annual conference at the weekend, the PM frothed at the bunghole about only 22% of year 8 students reaching the expected standard for maths last year. This was down 42% from the year before. He called this “deeply concerning” and said it was caused by “total system failure”.
Education Minister Erica Stanford, whose qualifications for her important portfolio appear to be years of making reality TV and writing scripts for Piha Rescue, is using the 22% result to justify rushing out a new maths curriculum in just five months.
Both have presented the figure as proof of a sudden crisis demanding immediate action — always a warning sign.
It turns out that like so much of what this government has been doing with its numbers — like claiming the extra billions it’s borrowing are not helping pay for its pitiful tax relief — this number is also, to use the official term, utter bollocks.
Experts, educators and Labour have pointed out the 22% figure was measuring kids against new, yet-to-be introduced standards for a new curriculum, introduced by Labour, that kids will not begin studying until next year.
So there has been no sharp drop between years, just a new benchmarking method producing a lower number.
In other words, like a couple of below-average year 8s, Luxon and Stanford are comparing apples to oranges. If it was not deliberate, then they need to head along to remedial maths. If they were deliberately making a false comparison, then they are guilty of cynically misleading the public with a manufactured crisis.
Interestingly, when pushed to explain her numbers, Sanford later admitted 2023′s year 8 maths results weren’t necessarily “worse” than any other year.
It’s hard to figure out why the government was trying to suggest differently. The fact that, for the past decade, fewer than half of year 8 kids have been reaching the old benchmark in maths is a national disgrace anyway.
The government should be doing something about that and, for better or worse, it is.
So why the dodgy game playing with the numbers?
Political Quiz of the Week
What are the Prime Minister, the down-to-earth multimillionaire Christopher Luxon, and the Minister of Health, Shane “No Shame” Reti, doing is this picture?
A/ Congratulating someone for surviving long enough to be treated by the public health system.
B/ Farewelling a patient who has just been added to a hospital waiting list.
C/ Concluding a deal to sell the patient’s kidneys to raise money for a new dialysis machine.
D/ Thanking a patient who has agreed to do her own open-heart surgery to save the government money.
