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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings.
Donald Trump is planning to give his “big beautiful brain” to medical science, offering hope future researchers may discover what the hell happened this week.
As world stock markets plummeted and economists predicted a “nuclear winter” for the world economy in the wake of the US President’s worldwide tariffs plan, Trump left for his golf course in Florida, saying only he knew why his scheme would work because “my brain is the smartest brain in the world, possibly in history”.
Trump added that if at some point he died, which he believed unlikely, he would leave his brain to medical researchers so future generations could admire its size and “how brainy” it was.
“My brain is so big. So beautiful,” Trump told reporters. “I’m, like, the smartest guy in the world. The smartest. Some people are saying I might be even smarter than God. Who knows. But I tell you this, if I die, and Trump ain’t gonna die believe me, I will give it to science. Better than leaving it to Melania.”
Trillions of dollars in wealth were wiped off stock markets in the US and other countries following Trump’s decision to put tariffs on every country in the world, including some that exist only in his brain, leading economists to predict a worldwide recession.
However, White House officials have struggled to explain the President’s thinking, why he suddenly paused the scheme for 90 days, or how this shit show at the funny farm might make America great again. Meanwhile, his billionaire supporters have privately demanded that “Trump tell his brain to end the madness”.
In the face of the financial market meltdown, Trump said all would be well if the planet “kept taking its medicine”. At present, it is unknown whether the medicine Trump was referring to is bleach, which he previously recommended for curing Covid-19, or a four-year course of financial penury.
Prior to teeing off, Trump also repeated his claim from December last year that “tariff is the most beautiful word to me in the dictionary”. Etymological experts have dismissed the claim as fake news. “The word ‘beautiful’ is actually the most beautiful word in the dictionary,” one said.
Trump’s offer to give his brain to science has been welcomed by some researchers and medical professionals but dismissed by others. A neurologist, who did not wish to be named, said it was possible Trump’s brain might not offer any clues to the President’s understanding of tariffs because “we’re still uncertain if this is the organ that Mr Trump’s uses to do his thinking”.
A spokesman for the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC said the White House had approached the prestigious museum and education centre to take Trump’s “big beautiful brain” upon his death. However, it would not be accepted.
“We don’t have the room,” the spokesman said.
Death Notice
The Treaty Principles Bill. 18 months old. Died April 10. Beloved bill of the nation’s bigots. Passed away after an unwanted birth, short, pathetic life and timely death. In lieu of flowers, send champagne or death threats.
Luxon wins NZ Invertebrate of the Year
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has been voted NZ Invertebrate of the Year for his brave, noble and fiery stand against US President Donald Trump’s worldwide tariffs and globally bullying.
Finalists for the prestigious award this year included a worm, a jellyfish and Finance Minister Nicola Willis.
Luxon shocked commentators at home and abroad with his incandescent condemnation of the President’s mad attack on global trade, which saw the US place a “retaliatory” 10% tariff on New Zealand trade to America, despite us having tariffs of under 2% on US goods and services.
“What actually is concerning me,” a fire-breathing Luxon thundered at a press conference, “is the shift away from agreed rules and the risks of actually backsliding into a global trade war. A trade war is, frankly, in nobody’s interest. It will slow global growth, it will hurt jobs and it will reduce the amount of money we have in our wallets.”
The judges for the NZ Invertebrate of the Year Award 2025 said Luxon’s passionate rhetoric and heart-felt condemnation of Trump and tariffs would be an inspiration to the rest of the world, particularly China, which, unlike the US, has a trade deal with New Zealand.
“Past experience had suggested that Luxon would be his usually mealy-mouthed self about the tariffs,” said one judge. “Instead he really told Trump where to go. He’s our hero.”
Willis was named as the runner-up for NZ Invertebrate of the Year after powerfully condemning the tariffs as a “significant global economic event” before adding “We are aware. We are prepared. We’ve got this.”
She did not explain what “this” was, but the judges said it was a compelling, boldly defiant statement of intent in the face of the global meltdown.
God Says He Will No Longer Defend NZ
The Almighty has announced He will no longer protect New Zealand against foreign invaders.
The Lord said there was “no point in competing” with Defence Minister Judith “Previously Crusher, Now Rambo” Collins, who this week pledged to increase defence funding by $12 billion over the next four years, including $9 billion of new spending.
The new money is expected to pay for replacements for the Army’s nerf guns, the Air Forces’ bungee cords and provide the Navy with more ships to sink on Pacific reefs.
God said even He had no idea where the money was coming from, given the government’s consistent claim it’s fiscally strapped, nor why the $12 billion wasn’t being spent on New Zealand’s failing public health system.
“Perhaps the coalition cares more about killing people than saving them,” the Almighty said. “It could also be that the government is sucking up to Trump again.”
The Lord said he was “disgusted” that he had not been consulted on the massive increase, nor offered further funding Himself. God would be permanently withdrawing His protection in protest from next week.
“Someone better change the national anthem,” He said.
Collins could not be contacted for comment about God’s decision because she was playing with guns.
Green Party Vocabulary: A Beginners’ Guide
Bussy: A portmanteau of “boy” and “pussy”, a person with a combination of masculine and feminine qualities, a person making lame excuses. See also, bunt.
Politically naive: Someone who thinks they know better but doesn’t. See also, drongo.
Pronouns: Crimes against grammar.
Benjamin: A non-gender specific name.
Darleen Tana: The good old days.
Political Quiz of the Week
Why has Health Minister Simeon Brown been put in a dunking chair?
A/ Because he’s a fiscal dry.
B/ Because he stinks of self-regard.
C/ Because the pillory was occupied.
D/ Because he’s a witch.
