Opinion: A neighbour recently told me he’s going Jeff Bezos-free, a decision that resonated with me immediately, as I have long resented the cone-headed tycoon for stealing the name of the world’s mightiest river to drown the rest of us in his lucre lust. But it also made me think how best to not add to the obscenely bloated coffers of the world’s complement of, at present, 2668 billionaires.
Now, even I don’t have time to research that many mega-moneyed humans, so what follows is my effort to break up with 10 of the richest on the planet. Here goes:
1. Elon Musk. For me, erasing Musk is downright joyful. Teslas are overpriced and, in my unscientific but keenly observed anecdotal survey, their drivers are the leading producers of road rage. As for SpaceX, even as a kid I didn’t want to be an astronaut and figured those who did were just hoping to get really far away from their families.
2. The aforementioned Bezos. I rarely go to his Whole Foods chain because it’s wildly overpriced, its quality is wildly uneven and its parking area is a lot like the Wild West. We are infrequent patrons of Amazon.com, so kicking same-day deliveries to the kerb won’t be tough, and we have enough streaming services that shedding Amazon Prime also will not sting. I have read the Washington Post since I learnt to read, but I’m trying to stop getting emotionally attached to inanimate objects. There’s little in the Post I can’t get elsewhere, so if it allows me to fully cut Bezos’s cord, please hand me the scissors.
3. Bernard Arnault. Founder and CEO of LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, the world’s largest luxury goods firm. Decidedly not my jam.
4. Bill Gates. Given that I’m writing this using Microsoft Word, this one’s a bit tricky. But I can use LibreOffice Writer, an open-source product developed by the non-profit Document Foundation – and doesn’t that sound like a fun place to work? Using Excel makes my feet sweat and I much prefer markers and poster boards to PowerPoint. I’m a Mac guy now, so no worries about Windows. I don’t have an Xbox and Skype is so 2005. Done.
5. Warren Buffett. I already own more real estate than I ever expected to – one half of a house that’s three-quarters paid off – so engaging with the Oracle of Omaha has never been on my to-do list. Frankly, breaking up with the late Jimmy Buffett would be more painful.
6 & 7. Larry Page and Sergey Brin – the Google Guys. Disconnecting from Google universe is no game of Candyland, but it’s not three-dimensional chess, either. I can switch my search engine to Chat GPT until it nears its unmistakable goal of total planetary domination. I love Google Maps but it’s not the only GPS in town. Maps.me sold for just NZ$10 million in 2014, so count me in. Then swap Google Photos for Flickr/SmugMug, a family-owned company that once accepted livestock as payment.
I may have reached my waterloo.com in YouTube, as no other allows access to the greatest video ever: Squirrel Maze 1.0. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading and watch it now. And then think of all you’d get done if you deleted YouTube.
8. Larry Ellison. The Oracle of Oracle owns 42% of the world’s second-largest software company. I’m certain I am a client of some of his clients, but as I’ve never got a single annoying marketing email from him, it’s clear he doesn’t care.
9. Steve Ballmer. Bill Gates’ successor as Microsoft CEO; the guy managed the Harvard football team and now owns the NBA’s Los Angeles Clippers. Inveterate jock sniffers need not apply.
10. Mukesh Ambani. Chair of Reliance Industries, India’s largest company, Ambani makes money on everything from petrochemicals to Bollywood. I’ve never seen one of his films and now I have a solid reason to keep my streak intact.
I gotta say, breaking up with billionaires was even more cathartic than I expected. And in the process, I found the positive converse to the paradox of choice: if you look hard enough, you can find an alternative to just about anything.
