As house prices soar, more and more extended families are discovering the benefits of living together. By Sarah Lang.
When Joelle Peters left her Dunedin home aged 19, she never imagined living with her parents again. "I thought, 'Yes, I've left home forever!'"
Now, the 31-year-old lecturer at Otago Polytechnic's engineering department lives with husband Ben, their children Eli, six, and Oriana, three, her parents and her aunt in "a big 19th-century home".
When she had children, Peters wished she had family support under the same roof. But that wasn't the primary driver for the housing arrangement.
"It was ridiculously impossible to get into the Dunedin housing market." (The median price there is currently around $645,000.)
"Despite Ben and I getting quite good full-time salaries, we couldn't get a mortgage without a really significant chunk of savings – which we couldn't get because most of our money went on rent. Catch-22, pretty much."
So in July 2019, the couple pooled their savings with those of her parents, who sold their house, and her aunt to buy the large property and live under the same roof.
"My husband, kids and I live on the top level, with three bedrooms, a small lounge and small bathroom."
Downstairs, there's communal living space on one side. "Mum, Dad and my aunt live on the other side, which has two bedrooms, Mum's and Dad's offices, and a bathroom."
Everyone shares the kitchen and laundry. There's a cooking roster, and a Google Doc to split house-related expenses.
Before they bought the land, it had been subdivided to create two new sections, which they'll build on. "One house," says Peters, "will be for my sister, her husband and kids, and the other for my aunt."
Her own family and her parents will continue living in the existing house. "My parents are about seven years away from retirement. As they, and my aunt, get older, they can stay in their homes, because we'll be their support system.
"The kids are forging meaningful relationships with my parents and developing shared interests. Mum's a geologist and my kids insist on bringing home rocks for her."
Peters' parents have adjusted to a parenting style that's more relaxed than theirs was, and "the debris small children leave". Having a bigger bubble during the pandemic, particularly during lockdowns, has been comforting.
Quite a few people are surprised when she tells them about the living arrangement. "I explain that it works – that it actually feels normal.
"Living like this wasn't always considered strange. It has only been in the past half-century or so that multigenerational living has seemed weird from a Pākehā perspective."
For 200,000 years, Homo sapiens lived in groups of fairly large sizes, rather than in "nuclear families". Think the hunter-gatherer era, when grandparents cared for children while the able-bodied did the physical work. Think 18th- or 19th-century England, when the elderly matriarch or maiden aunt from the upper classes continued living in the family home.
You'd also be hard-pressed to find a nuclear family among Māori in precolonial New Zealand. In fact, you could argue the term "nuclear family" – consisting of parent(s) and child(ren) living in one household – is a modern invention. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it was not coined until the 1920s.
As for the term "multigenerational living", the United States-based Pew Research Center, which researches social issues and demographic trends, has done some work on this. One of its reports says the principal type of multigenerational household has two generations only: the parent(s) and adult child(ren). However, three-generational households are a big part of the picture.
There are several variants on three-generation living, the report says, a key one being whether the primary householder is from the middle generation – a "sandwich" household – or the older generation – a "grandparent" household. It could comprise the householder and their spouse, their parent(s) or parent(s)-in-law, and children. Not everyone has a spouse and several variations are possible.
So-called co-residence is common in most Asian, African and Latin American countries. Even in Europe, about one in six married couples aged 25-29 live with at least one parent, a 2020 study by the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research found.
We're seeing more three-generational living in Aotearoa. Stats NZ extracted unpublished data from the 2018 Census for the Listener on the household composition of extended families. Because it was derived indirectly – from other survey answers – it's not precise, but gives an idea of what is happening.
New Zealand had 108,189 extended-family households in 2018, about 6.5 per cent of all households. Of these, 64,836 were three-or-more-generation extended families (some were four generations, but that's rare); 36,558 were two-generation extended families; 6672 were one-generation extended families (for instance, sisters); and 123 were unclassifiable. (Households can include granny flats: it's counted as a separate dwelling if someone lives, cooks and eats separately.)
Notably, there were over 28,000 more three-generation than two-generation households. Also, three-or-more-generation households are the fastest-growing type of extended family. It's expected that by the next census, numbers of these households will have shot up.
"Anecdotally, more and more people are living this way," says Ann Dupuis, a retired professor who has done research in this area. A common reason? Sky-high house prices, which are seeing adults and their children move in with their own parents to save for a deposit.
When Royce and Warwyck Dewe's four children left home, the couple didn't expect any would move back in. But for the past two years, their son Ben, 34, his partner Arva Rust, 31, and their children have been living in the family home in Whanganui. Nikaious is now aged five and Robert two.
In 2020, Ben Dewe and his nuclear family were in the process of moving from Christchurch to Whanganui. Ben, a builder, was staying with his parents while starting a job. When the first lockdown was announced, Arva and the children (Robert was three months old) joined them quickly during the grace period for relocating. Then, Warwyck, a practical former accountant, suggested they live with them until they had a deposit.
With Whanganui house prices rising – the average price in September was $557,000 – they'll probably need another two years to save. Royce and Warwyck haven't asked for rent so their son and daughter-in-law can save more. Ben and Arva pay for any power and food over and above what Royce and Warwyck would normally pay.
The warm, active couple in their early 70s have a large house. On one side, Ben, Arva and the kids have their own lounge, bathroom and bedrooms. Royce and Warwyck occupy the other side. There's a shared kitchen, laundry and backyard. "Without our own space," Royce says, "I don't know if we'd have lasted two years. It's been a huge adjustment."
What's most important? "Respect," says Royce. "Ben and Arva are so respectful of us, our space and our time." The boys know Nonna and Poppa sometimes need quiet time and appreciate a degree of tidiness. Communication is key. "We don't leave things unsaid."
"We set ground rules early," Warwyck says. "One: that these children need two parents, not four." The grandparents respect a less-strict parenting style than they once used, and try not to overstep. Childcare? "We said we'll help out," Royce says, "but told them, 'If you're both at work, make your own childcare arrangements.' We need that freedom."
Nikaious likes to cook and garden with Royce, and going to the library and swimming with Warwyck."When Nikaious comes home from daycare," adds Warwyck, "he says, 'How was your day, Poppa?'"
Royce: "It's been wonderful being with family during Covid. It's a privilege to see our grandchildren grow up, and enriching for all. I've read research saying if you're involved in your grandchildren's lives, you live longer. Also, Arva works in the dementia ward at a rest home, so I joke, 'You're well prepared for us in the future!'
"When they leave, being more peaceful will be lovely. But we'll go through grief because they've been part of our everyday lives. We'll always treasure what living this way has given us."
Little research has been undertaken on multigenerational living, let alone three-generational living, in New Zealand. But in 2015, Dr Penny Lysnar (then at the University of Auckland) and Dupuis (then at Massey University) published a paper, "Meeting the housing needs of multigenerational households", commissioned by Branz (the Building Research Association of NZ).
The study highlights why and how housing for multigenerational living needs improving, as well as providing unique insights into such living arrangements here. As the paper states, "the MGH [multigenerational household] has gone largely unnoticed as an important household type", even though numbers of such households have been increasing.
Its findings "cast considerable doubt on the popular, stereotypical view that extended families are [only] a phenomenon associated with Pacific, Māori and Asian communities. We're seeing a growth in multigenerational living in Pākehā families, something that was [once] a norm in traditional Western societies."
Stats NZ has extracted information on the ethnic make-up of three-or-more-generation households. Between 2013 and 2018, the number of Māori living in three-or-more-generation households increased 12 per cent to 92,370 – a slight rise, given New Zealand's population growth of 10.8 per cent in that time. The number of Pasifika living in such households dipped slightly, by 3.5 per cent, to 70,260. However, for both ethnic groups, the number of people living in these households was high compared with their proportion of the population (16.5 per cent Māori and 9 per cent Pasifika).
During this period, the number of Asian New Zealanders living in three-or-more-generation households increased 25 per cent, to 89,016. More surprisingly, the number of Pākehā living in such households rose 29 per cent, to 148,533.
In Takanini, south Auckland, Calvin Gan, an IT business analyst, lives with wife Elaine, a primary school teacher who is currently a full-time mum to daughters aged four and 11 months. Also living with them are Gan's parents, May and Steve.
Originally from Malaysia, a young Gan lived with his parents in New Zealand in the 1990s before moving to Singapore. He moved back to Aotearoa as an adult. His parents moved here from Singapore a year ago, passing through MIQ. In July, they'll all move into a new-build in Riverhead, northwest of Auckland.
The house plan comes from Generation Homes' "home-and-income" design: a single dwelling with separate areas that can be rented out or used to work from home. "About 50 per cent of our builds in north Auckland are home-and-income homes," says chief executive Kevin Atkinson. "Around a third of people buy them for multiple generations of the same family. It's definitely a trend."
Gan says there will be separate living areas and bathrooms, with a shared kitchen, laundry, garage and entranceway. "That's fine – it would never be, 'Shut the door, see you on the weekend'. We'll tell our kids that when the door to my parents' space is shut, don't go in. But I imagine my children will have other ideas!
"Living this way is common in Asian families, and I'm an only child. I only ever saw my grandparents a few times, because they lived in Malaysia. That was tough. My parents weren't sure what my plan was, but I told them I thought we'd live together.
"They really want time with their grandkids. They put some money towards the house, so it's only fair I help out as they get older. And they've shifted countries so don't have the same network." He says Elaine, who is half-American and half-Korean, "understands my responsibility".
"We won't say no to some [childcare] help, but honestly, that wasn't much of a factor. Finances were the major factor. With the cost of housing in Auckland, three-generational living has to be on the table, right? If we weren't constrained by the ridiculousness of house prices, buying property close to each other would perhaps have been sufficient." (In 2021, the median house price in Auckland rose 23 per cent to $1.235 million.)
Certainly, multigenerational living isn't for everyone. As Lysnar and Dupuis' paper outlines, "there are trade-offs and compromises that occur. As in any situation where people are living closely with others, there were situations which had to be negotiated, and some [interviewees] reported negative experiences. The most common issues mentioned were privacy, interference (particularly regarding child-rearing practices), noise, and receiving visitors and providing hospitality [when there is little room]."
Particularly when three generations live together, annoyances can surface. Thresholds for mess and/or noise may differ; someone's chronic throat-clearing may irritate. Perhaps someone likes to loudly discuss climate change over dinner when you'd rather wind down. Perhaps someone leaves food scraps from rinsed plates in the plughole – or even doesn't rinse plates.
There are many cautionary tales about mothers-in-law, but your blood relations may irk you, too. Jane (not her real name for obvious reasons), said moving with her husband and son into her parents' house went well initially, then they started irritating each other. Her mother liked the kitchen and some other spaces spotless, which Jane couldn't always manage. Her mother also wanted her grandson quiet at the dinner table. So they moved out, in order to maintain a good relationship.
Those interviewed for this story say to make multigenerational living work, you need ground rules, respect, a willingness to address problems openly, to compromise when needed – and any privacy possible.
As for Joelle Peters, she has an update: "My husband had given up attempting to claim any area for his tools, as Mum took over two spaces, but finally we've cleared one for him. Ben is brave to live with his in-laws. Seriously, though, they get on great 90 per cent of the time.
“And I now know Mum and Dad a lot better; there’s a different rapport when you’re all adults. I’d recommend giving living this way a go. There’s value for all parties in having that support – financially, practically, and in a caring way.”
