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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings.
Act leader David Seymour says he is planning a new parliamentary bill to dump the Treaty of Waitangi because it is a “hoax”. The soon-to-be Deputy Prime Minister says he has proof the treaty was not agreed, written and signed in 1840 but fabricated in the early 20th century. It was the work of a “sinister left-wing cabal” and was a “deliberate and outrageous” attempt to make the Pākeha squatocracy and its government feel guilty for colonisation, the dispossession of Māori and the New Zealand wars.
“The treaty is a fake” Seymour told a rally in Epsom. “It’s a historical fiction, a hoax. It was created by dark forces who want us to believe the fake news that this country’s first people were here first and owned the place.”
He said the guilt created by the fake treaty had created “intergenerational harm” for Pākeha, which the new bill would end.
The first Treaty Principles Bill, which sought to kill the treaty by rewriting history, was voted down 112-11 in Parliament ending 18 months of protest, division, anger, bitterness, family squabbles, graffiti and racism while also keeping the Act Party in the news most weeks. Seymour said he hoped his new bill would do the same.
The Act Party will also be seeking another referendum on the treaty, putting two questions to voters, the first asking “Do you want to believe the Treaty of Waitangi is a fake?”, while the second asks “Is it true some of your best friends are Māori?”
Historians have dismissed Seymour’s claim that the treaty is not an actual historical document as “delusional” and not based in fact.
“If David Seymour has proof the treaty is fake, he should present it to the nearest rubbish bin immediately,” said one historian who did not wish to be named.
Asked what proof he had the treaty was a hoax, Seymour said the voice in his head, who he called Dave, had told him. “Dave is always right. He told me the treaty was a fake, that most of the so-called signatures are forgeries and the paper used for it was from Whitcombe & Tombs and had been artificially aged using spilt coffee and a colony of moths. What more proof do you need?”
Seymour said his new “The Treaty of Waitangi Is A Fake” bill will be a red-line demand for his party in coalition talks following the next election. “In 2026,” he said, “a vote for Act will be a vote for a country where a small group of deluded people don’t hold the rest to ransom.”
Peters denies “trash talk trade war” with PM
Foreign Minister Winston Peters says claims he and the Prime Minister are in a spiralling trade war in insults are “the ravings of a deranged, swivel-eyed loon”.
“Listen sunshine, that’s bull dust,” he raved at press conference in Hawaii. “I do not trade in insults. Anyone suggesting I do is a deranged, swivel-eyed loon. Are you a swivel-eyed loon?”
Peters is thought to be gunning for Christopher Luxon following the PM’s speech in Wellington calling Donald Trump’s tariff blitz a “trade war” and saying “free trade works … I think that’s worth fighting for, and I’m up for that fight”. Peters said that such emotive, military-style language was “hysterical” and “shortsighted” and his advice to politicians was not to describe the end of the world as the end of the world.
When asked whether calling the country’s PM “hysterical” and “shortsighted” meant Peters had launched “his own trade war, but in insults”, Peters said he had not.
“Listen sunshine, I never said any of that. You’re the one being hysterical. What a stupid question. Are you a moron? For God’s sake, start doing your job properly.”
Peters is also no longer following the PM on Facebook, X, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, LinkedIn, Telegram, TikTok and even Pinterest, though Peters denied he had “unfriended” Luxon.
“Listen sunshine, stop using such emotive language. I haven’t ‘unfriended’ anyone. I have consciously uncoupled. I won’t be Deputy Prime Minister soon and that cuckolded puppet David Seymour will have the job. So there’s no longer any point in me following hysterical, short-sighted people.”
Asked about Peters’ attacks on himself and Seymour, Luxon says he was “laser-focused on being really relaxed about it”. He said his job was to fight Trump’s trade war by continuing to do prime minister impressions, including ringing around world leaders to see if they wanted any of our butter or beef.
Trump’s Body Says President is “A Sick, Sick Man”
Donald Trump’s body says his doctor is wrong and the president may be “on the verge of death”.
Following the clearance of a large cheque, Trump’s doctor this week ruled the 78-year-old president “fully fit” to serve as commander in chief, concluding that he exhibits “excellent cognitive and physical health” despite high cholesterol and a history of making no sense whatsoever.
“I think I did very well,” Trump told reporters as he to flew to Florida to play more golf using a golf cart. Trump also said his doctor had told him he had “a good heart, a good soul, a very good soul”.
Trump’s heart and soul were unavailable for comment. However, Trump’s body disputes the doctor’s claims, saying “the President is a sick, sick man” who is only alive because of all the preservatives he ingests.
“He treats me worse than Melania,” Trump’s body said. “Every day, it’s four and twenty Big Macs, a half a ton of fries and gallons of diet coke. I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in weeks.”
Political quiz of the week
Who is the Prime Minister talking to and what is he saying?
A/ “You’re breaking up, I can’t hear you, bye,” to Winston Peters.
B/ “L…U…X…O…N,” to the woman on the White House switchboard.
C/ “I’m glad I put all my millions in rentals,” to his stockbroker.
D/ “What’s for tea, mother?” to his wife.
