Will work for food. Made redundant, at my age – there is something embarrassing about being thrown out the door at 64. Redundancy belongs to a younger, more hopeful demographic, the unbearable 30-somethings, the striving 40-somethings. They have their CVs as fresh as new blooms and they still have so many more years to work themselves to the bone. I greet you at pretty much the end of a long career.
Will work for shelter. My last day of employment is April 17. It was a part-time position so I only need something else part-time; the possibilities are endless. The reality is a bit more narrow. I have always realised that I am good for nothing except writing sentences, and that. This cuts out a great many possibilities. The thought occurs that I am just about entirely unemployable. I thought this when I left school; the circle is complete.
Will work for heat. Winter is coming. Until recently, I was lying around languidly reading the mid-career novels of John Updike and underlining epigrams in Aldous Huxley’s classic 1921 satire, Crome Yellow – what genius to name one of his characters Mr Barbecue-Smith. But now my reading is confined to part-time jobs advertised on Seek. In some ways, it’s just like reading fiction. There is a great New Zealand novel waiting to be taken from the Situations Vacant columns – I like to imagine the occupations, the work conditions, the work itself, the lives of employed Kiwis.
Will work for meaningful contribution to society. Costco in Westgate wants a part-time Front End Assistant. Well, rather that than Back End Assistant, but what does it mean? “Help members load order onto conveyor belt. Pack member orders into boxes and load to a separate trolley or flatbed. Check packing for tampering. Run for items such as boxes.” Run for items such as boxes! That sounds about right. Run. Run fast. Run out the door, run for the hills – keep running.
Will work for sense of self-worth. Everyone wants a superstar. “Chemist Warehouse, Sylvia Park. Superstar Pharmacy Assistant Needed!” And, “Baby Factory has an amazing opportunity for a passionate retail superstar to join the Henderson team.” Also, “Huffer is on the hunt for a superstar to exceed sales in our Onehunga store.” So many superstars! Dazzling to think of all these novae shining, glowing, exploding in the galaxies of Auckland suburbia.
Will work for something to do. But what can I do; what are my credentials? Shampoo ‘n’ Things in Albany wants a motivated person in consumer products, but “hairdressing background essential”. Capitol Theatre in Mt Eden wants a projectionist, but “your application will include the question, how many years’ experience do you have as a projectionist?” Motion Sickness advertising agency in Grey Lynn wants a front-of-house person, but my godson, Will Macdonald, works there as a copywriter. I have known and loved Will his entire life. He may not wish to see his godfather make an ass of himself trying and almost certainly failing to “assist with calendars, schedule meetings and handle ad-hoc tasks”.
Will work, now and then, if they’ll have me, for the Listener. Freelancing, at my age – there is something shameful about it. I should never have let things come to this but it was always going to be thus. When I left school, I went looking for work at every warehouse in an industrial zone in Mt Maunganui. A man at an auto repair shop said they needed the floor swept. I enthused, “I can do that!” He laughed, and said, “I wasn’t being serious.” It was a long day going door to door.
Steve Braunias will continue to write for the Listener and Newsroom.
