Online exclusive
With Married at First Sight almost here, relationship expert John Aiken joins listener.co.nz to share sound advice and top tips on finding - and keeping - love. Take the quiz, below, to find out whether you’re ready to find “the one”.
I was talking to a single friend the other day who told me dating is impossible. They went so far as to say fractiously that, statistically speaking, they had more chance of winning Lotto than meeting an available man over the age of 40. Now this is not an uncommon response from the singles I meet. They are quick to point out that hunting for an ideal partner is a hopeless waste of time, because there are no good ones out there.
The problem with this attitude is it only serves to keep you single. It’s one of the many ways you can take yourself out of the game and sabotage your chances of falling in love. Instead of getting caught in this negative spiral, follow my seven steps, and finally give yourself every chance to get the partner you deserve.
1. Commit to a positive mindset
Attracting the right partner begins with your attitude. Put simply, if you think there’s nothing out there for you, then that’s all you’re going to get. So it all starts by turning this around. Try coming from a position that it’s going to happen – and that there are plenty of available singles everywhere just waiting to meet you. I don’t care what’s occurred in the past. Your focus now should be on being positive about the future.
Tips: Stop complaining to others about the dating scene and lack of available love interests. Be positive whenever someone asks about your love life and why you haven’t met someone yet. Let go of the past and avoid talking or thinking about previous relationship break-ups and ex-partners. At the end of every day make a mental note of three good things that have happened to you.
2. Have an appearance makeover
With this new commitment to a positive attitude, it’s time to get active. There’s no quicker way to start creating momentum than to give yourself an appearance makeover - and this applies to all genders. It’s a symbolic way of letting go of the old and moving forward. You can also increase your sense of control and power by deciding how you’re going to present yourself to the outside world. On top of all of this, first impressions count in the dating game and you need to look your best.
Tips: Enlist the help of a friend to clear out your old wardrobe – be ruthless. Go shopping for new clothes and accessories. Make changes to your hair, nails etc. (And yes, some of the blokes could do with getting a manicure.)
3. Follow a healthy lifestyle
With a new focus comes a dedication to looking after your health and wellbeing. You have to look and feel your best to attract someone who’s going to be great for you. That means it’s time to prioritise your health and fitness. Begin to treat your body with respect and put time and effort into your exercise and diet. Say ‘no’ to any self-destructive behaviours that have previously held you back, eg binge drinking, excessive partying, no exercise, takeaway food etc.
Tips: Make an appointment with your GP for a full check-up. Exercise daily – and perhaps consider a personal trainer. Follow a healthy diet. Go to bed earlier and get more sleep.
4. Eliminate any toxic obstacles
One of the biggest challenges to attracting your ideal partner is the obstacles you unknowingly put in the way. These will fall into the areas of work hours, toxic friends, problem family relationships and difficult living arrangements. You will not meet someone new if you don’t deal with these barriers. So take action and free yourself up to let love in.
Tips: Let go of any toxic friends who keep you single and don’t want you to be happy. Put limits around work and make time for a personal life. Deal with any family issues that stop you from falling in love – for example, an over-controlling mother. Change your living arrangements to make it easier to spend time with your new love, such as moving into a bigger apartment or living closer to town.
5. Learn from past mistakes
To bring someone special into your life it’s important you learn from your past relationship mistakes and try not to repeat them. That means understanding the lessons from these previous experiences – then doing things differently. You need to know what the warning signs of the wrong types are so you can avoid them. You also need to be aware of what mistakes you make in this area – and change.
Tips: Think about your exes. Identify behaviours to avoid next time around, eg heavy drinking, working too much, unwillingness to commit, anger problems etc. Think about what you’re like to be involved with and the things you need to change. For example, do you text/phone too much? Have sex too soon? Put work first? Think about where and how you tend to meet people – such as at work, bars, online. If it’s not working, change it up.
6. Define your ideal partner
It’s not enough just knowing what you’re going to avoid in the dating game; you also need to be clear about what you want. This can be hard for many singles as they often have a shotgun approach to dating in which they’ll take all comers. You need to zero in on what makes for an ideal partner and then commit to going after this type of person.
Tips: List all the traits you want in an ideal partner then come up with your top five, eg romantic, fit, ambitious, family-orientated, loves travel or makes you laugh. Make a commitment by telling others about this new type of partner you’re looking for.
7. Be picky and patient
Finally, this will only work if you get picky and stay patient. So many people think they’re single because they’re too picky. Wrong. You’re still single because you’re not picky enough! So now you’ve followed through with all these steps, you have to be disciplined and focused. To attract the right one you have to get good at saying ‘no’ to the wrong one. If you feel despondent or worried it’s not going to happen, lean on your friends to reassure you but do not compromise or settle. You deserve better.
Tips: Remind yourself dating is a process of elimination not rejection; you’re sifting through the bad to get to the good. Don’t waste time trying to change the wrong types – say ‘no’ and move on. Be fussy and keep up your standards. Use your friends to keep on track whenever you feel disillusioned.
Best known as one of the Married At First Sights expert’s, John Aiken trained in the field of relationships and has been working with singles and couples for nearly 30 years. He focuses on giving out hard-hitting advice to empower people in their relationships. He is a speaker, runs exclusive retreats, and is best selling author, having published three books U-Turn: Putting You Back Into Your Relationship; Accidentally Single: The 15 Mistakes That Ruin Romance and How to Avoid Them, and most recently Making Couples Happy: How Science Can Help Get Your Relationship Back on Track. As well as writing about relationships, he has hosted and provided expert commentary for a number of TV and radio shows, including MAFS where he is billed as a “relationship expert”. Before entering the world of relationships and the media, he was a representative cricketer for Wellington, Auckland and NZ ‘A”.
Elements of this article first appeared in John Aiken’s regular column in Next magazine.
