Online exclusive
MAFS relationship expert John Aiken joins listener.co.nz to share sound advice and top tips on finding and maintaining relationships. Here, he talks about taking action if you’re in a relationship with a commitment-phobic partner.
I was talking to an acquaintance the other day about commitment-phobic partners. She told me how she had one of those on her hands once; and she delivered some tough love to sort out her relationship limbo. After four years together she broke it off – and eight months later he came back with a new focus and commitment. It all turned out for the better and they are still together today. I totally agree with her course of action – if you want your partner to commit it’s going to take a hard-line no-nonsense approach.
You’ll know when you’ve got a commitment-phobic partner on your hands because you’ll feel totally frustrated with where you stand in your relationship. It will be almost impossible to set plans or have couple goals together, and they’ll make you feel anxious, confused and insecure. It will be difficult to get any clarity about important issues like feelings, marriage, having kids, buying a house or sharing finances. You’ll become distressed when friends and family ask you about your relationship, and you may even break up on occasion to try and get your partner on board, only to let them back into your life with nothing changing.
The key message I tell people who are in this situation is to take responsibility. Your partner isn’t stepping up because you’ve taught them they don’t need to. Things are comfortable for them, and they know you’re not going anywhere so they keeps doing what works for them. Nothing. Once you accept this, then you’re ready to apply some tough love to get out of this limbo.
If you’ve had enough of this situation and you want your partner to step up and commit, then follow the five steps I’ve outlined below.
1. Be ready to walk
This is the first and most difficult of all the steps. The reason for this is that most of those people I talk to are in relationship limbo simply say they can’t leave. I’ll hear all sorts of reasons. You’ve spent too much time investing in the relationship, you’re in love, you’re scared of being on your own and dating again, you fear there’s no-one out there as good as them, or it’s too complicated and messy. While these are very valid reasons to stay, if you’re not prepared to leave then nothing will change. They know where you stand and there are no consequences for staying the same. If you can’t walk away, then stop here. You’ve got the best you’re ever going to get from them and you need to accept this now. They’re not committing and you’re not leaving.
2. Outline your commitment ultimatum
If you can walk away, then you have the power to bring about change in your relationship. You now have the leverage and hold all the cards. The next step is outlining your commitment ultimatum. This involves explaining the specific behaviours that need to happen to move your relationship forward; give them a deadline for all of this. For instance, you might say to them you want to open a joint bank account, buy a house and be engaged within the next 12 months. If this doesn’t happen by such and such a date, then you’re going to break up and move on.
Now to those of you who say you should avoid ultimatums – I respectfully disagree. Most couples don’t need to do this. However, your relationship limbo has been going on for far too long and now requires an urgent and hard-nosed approach. The other way simply hasn’t worked for you. Something must change. So put the heat on them and find out if they’re keen or if just comfortable. You’ve wasted enough time and you need answers so you can move forward either way.
3. Leave if there’s no change
Once your deadline is up and it’s clear to you nothing has changed then your partner has called your bluff. They’re now saying to you that they doesn’t think you’re going to walk. You might have been in this position before and they expect you to crumble and let them stay the same. Well, your love interest underestimated you and the pain you’re in. Once the deadline is up, it’s time for the next step. You walk away. You break up and move on.
As you’re doing this tell them you don’t want any contact again unless they’re ready to commit. No coffees, movies, ‘ex-sex’, phone calls, texts or emails. Nothing. The only time you’ll entertain hearing from them again is if they’re prepared to step up and commit. Be strong on this and don’t fall into the trap of being friends and stumbling back into an uncommitted relationship with them. Stay away. If they never comes back then they were never that keen on you in the first place.
4. Start dating again - slowly
If they do come back then they’re telling you they want the relationship and will do whatever it takes. So take the next step and begin by dating again and taking things slowly. Don’t move in together straight away. Don’t jump back into the sack and start having sex. Don’t get them over to your parents’ house for Sunday dinner. Instead, slow it all down and watch what they do. You want to see change. It’s time for your partner to walk a new walk. They need to follow through with your key commitment behaviours otherwise you’re not getting back together. You must keep your leverage and they need to work hard to win you back. If they hesitate and start playing games with you, then you’ve got your answer - they’re not going to commit. This is a great way to really find out their true motivation.
5. Get back together with commitment and clear plans
Once your partner has done everything you want of them and worked hard to win you back, it’s time for the final step. You get back together with total commitment. You must have clear plans and couple goals that give you confidence and clarity about the relationship (you can read more about goal-setting here). You now know where you stand, what you both want and when you’re going to do these things together. Your partner has experienced life without you, and is back now because they wants to be with you forever. No more limbo. No more uncertainty. To make sure you stay on track, regularly check in as a couple about your goals and plans and make sure you’re moving in the right direction.
Never again will you be in a relationship with someone who is unable to give you the security, certainty and commitment you need.
Best known as one of the Married At First Sight’s experts, John Aiken trained in the field of relationships and has been working with singles and couples for nearly 30 years. He focuses on giving hard-hitting advice to empower people in their relationships. He is a speaker, runs exclusive retreats, and is a bestselling author. Elements of this article first appeared in John Aiken’s regular column in Next magazine.
