Online exclusive
What’s It Like To Be is a regular online column in which New Zealanders from all walks of life share first-hand experiences. Here, Paulette Crowley talks to Liz Webster, an addiction and mental health therapist working in an alcohol rehab, about how to support someone who is struggling with their alcohol use.
Two months into the New Year, and a lot of resolutions, like quitting alcohol, start to get unstuck. At the private alcohol rehab centre in Napier where I work, a lot of people come in at the beginning of the year because the wheels have fallen off with their drinking and they need help.
People often ask me how they can help someone get sober. Loving an alcoholic can be really, really painful because the behaviours attached to addiction can be quite out the gate. In active addiction, people can be nasty because they’re suppressing so much and it often comes out when they’ve been drinking or taking drugs. They can be quite hurtful but really, they’re hurting.
We often say that alcoholics have to reach their own rock bottom because you can’t get anybody to change unless they’re willing to change. It’s true – if you try to force them, it doesn’t work. They have to want it themselves.
It can feel hopeless for the alcoholic’s loved ones but there are things you can do. Let them know how their behaviour is affecting you. Talk to them at a time they’re hung over or feeling remorseful, and then it starts to go on board. You could suggest they look into rehab but they have to be ready.
In the meantime, boundaries with an alcoholic are crucial. They don’t have to be a brick wall where you shut people out. They could be something like, “I won’t give you money for alcohol, but I’ll cook you a good dinner”, or “I’m happy to see you but if you get abusive, you have to leave”.
I’ve had to do this when I supported somebody in my own family. I said, “I’m happy for you to stay at my house but if you come in drunk, you won’t be able to stay any more.” They did come in drunk and asking them to leave was the hardest thing for me to do.
Addiction can make the person very manipulative. They can be nasty and tell lies and be like Jekyll and Hyde. It’s hard but we tell people to love the person, not the addiction. The behaviour in addiction is just ugly and horrible. I’ve been there myself – I stopped drinking 12 years ago – and I used to hate myself.
My drinking took off when I was 23 and my husband died in a car accident. Normally I was a binge drinker but during that time I was drinking a litre of spirits a day. I didn’t understand how alcoholism worked – I thought I was just coping with grief. I thought alcoholics shook for a drink and had vodka on their cornflakes every day, you know? I now know that when I have just one drink it starts a phenomenon of craving in my body and I can’t stop at one. That’s alcoholism.
I was so depressed but ended up meeting another guy and had two children. I didn’t drink when I was pregnant – I wanted to be the perfect mum. But when I started to have a couple of drinks and got back to my binge drinking, I was blacking out. I was functioning but I couldn’t remember it. It’s quite a scary thing because other people don’t know it’s happening to you.
I had never heard anyone talking about blacking out, apart from Sharon Osbourne, who said she’d given up drinking because of it. I thought, “Maybe I have a drinking problem?” It didn’t occur to me not to drink, though.
I finally stopped when I came out of a blackout as my 16-year-old daughter was leaving home, because of my drinking. I thought, “Oh my God, I have just failed at the thing I wanted to be my best at – being a mum.” I was devastated.
The rehab I work with is small, so we’re hands-on and get to do a lot of things. My work involves yoga therapy, where I help people learn mindfulness and how important it is to get back in the body.
We also teach about why being grounded and living in the moment is important. Lots of alcoholics have a busy brain and a nervous system that’s all over the place. They’ve essentially been self-medicating for that and numbing all their emotions, good and bad. Once they stop drinking, that busy head can take over. Being grounded and calming your nervous system means you can change your brain and thoughts and behaviours.
A lot of what we do in rehab is teaching our guests how to look after themselves, like getting good nutrition, sleeping well, moving their bodies, learning how to breathe. It’s all basic stuff – there’s no magic bullet in getting sober.
That basic self-care is what the families of alcoholics need, as well. You need to be strong with your boundaries but try not to control them. The only thing you can control is your reaction. It’s a tricky balance, loving an alcoholic. It’s a double-edged sword – as much as you need to give them tough love, you also need to give them love and compassion.
Most of all, you have to have faith that they can get better. The most beautiful part of my job is that I get to see people come into rehab so broken but leave in such a different space after 4 weeks.
