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A twice-widowed mother says her heart has been "shattered to pieces" by the loss of her second life partner in a hit-and-run accident.
Moana Cross told the Herald on Sunday she was still struggling to accept the death of Peter Jepsen, a father-of-four, in Paihia two weeks ago.
And the 35-year-old said she didn't know if losing her first soulmate in 1997 made it easier or harder to cope.
"I have my little cries. The kids come in and they are like 'oh, mum' and they give me lots of kisses and cuddles... this is just tearing me up inside but I have got to look after them.
"I don't want them to see me crying every day, breaking their hearts, too."
Moana's first partner, Pala'amo Mata, died while waiting for a heart transplant in Australia a decade ago. Their son, Raina Mata, was just four months old.
Moana returned to Paihia where she started going out with Pete, a childhood friend, a couple of years later. The couple had attended Paihia Primary School together.
Pete had two children from a previous relationship, Xavier, 10, and Taylor, 9. He thought of Xavier as Raina's "twin" because their birthdays were only a week apart.
The boys used to live with Pete and Moana in Waitangi, but they now live in Levin with their mother.
Moana and Pete had a 2-year-old son, Ezra, who hadn't spoken of his father until the day the Herald on Sunday visited.
"My dad came over today and Ezra said, in a sad little voice, 'oh, Popa, dad got run over by a car'," said Moana.
"He's become more cuddly than usual. He's always coming up to me and giving me kisses."
The wall of her home is covered in cards from well-wishers. One from Pete's sister, Paula, says: "Pete may be gone but he will live in our hearts for always and we will see him every day in the eyes of Ezra."
Moana said Pete didn't put her down once during their eight-year relationship. "We always rang each other every day and said how much we loved each other."
She struggles going past the spot where he died, on Paihia's waterfront a few metres from their home.
"I wish I had never seen it when it happened. The police came and got me but we could only go as far as the cordon, we weren't allowed down near him."
The couple met at the Lighthouse, the local pub. Their courtship involved dancing and drinking, but they rarely went out after Ezra was born because Moana wanted to breastfeed.
On the night Pete died, Moana was working her usual shift at the Mako Beach Bar, while her partner celebrated his brother's return from the UK.
Moana said Pete went to see her at work, but she hadn't quite finished cleaning up, so he went to another local bar. "Then he rang me and said 'is it okay if I stay here', as he'd met some of our friends."
Moana went home, where her mother was looking after the children.
"He put my friends - because they're girls - into a taxi. He was offered a ride home, but he decided he was going to walk it off. He always used to walk home from the pub."
A 21-year-old Kaikohe man has been charged over the incident.
"Pete would be so pissed off at what's happened, so angry that our plans had been cut off. He'd just be mad that he didn't make it home - nearly, but not quite."
Moana said her first partner's parents were devastated by Pete's death.
He met them in Christchurch last year to mark the 10th anniversary of Pala'amo's death.
She is no stranger to grief, having lost her father and sister in a car crash.
"I've actually got a few people up there. I believe they look after me, they help me somehow."
But she believes she will never have another man in her life. "I have had two awesome men and now I have got my boys."