Is it common for long-term relationships to have conflict?
A relationship is not a static process, it is a work in progress.
We’d all benefit from an understanding that keeping a relationship growing and evolving - and keeping our connection deepening - requires becoming more conscious and patient with ourselves.
What are some of the common challenges you have witnessed with couples you’ve worked with?
One of the most common challenges I have witnessed is the struggle with repeated conflict, which often leaves couples wondering what had happened to their once-felt love and connection.
The constant fighting or bickering drives them apart and, although they may want out of the relationship, they may also feel hurt and be fearful of the unfolding disconnection. Often in conflicts, one or both partners are unconsciously fighting to be right.
It is also common for one partner to feel unheard, which can lead to anger, while the other feels badgered or nagged and can react with anger or become distant.
If they don’t learn what they both could have done differently, and what to avoid in the future, arguments can become increasingly volatile. The connection and harmony they once had starts to erode and finding it again starts to look like an impossible dream.
What is a common predictor that a relationship is no longer growing/evolving?
A lack of resolution to repeated conflicts is one sign that a relationship has become static. Another is continual blaming, putting down, and refusal by one or both partners to accept responsibility for the nightmare being created.
If the conflict has ceased, and both partners have shut down and are living parallel lives, the relationship can not keep evolving. If we have the tools and we want our relationship to grow, we will move through the difficulties.
We’ll notice hurtful conflicts are less frequent and start feeling closer to our partner, which in turn makes us feel peaceful and happy.
What is a common cause of relationship challenges?
The origin of many relationship challenges often derives from pain experienced in childhood.
Everyone goes into relationships with unresolved childhood issues and/or wounds, which are often unconscious.
Once the so-called honeymoon phase is over, our differences as a couple may become more apparent, and we each begin to be triggered by things our partner says or does.
Although we see only what is happening in the present, our reaction to it is inappropriate because the situation has activated some past childhood wound.
Such triggers come out most frequently in intimate partnerships and can also appear in any intimate and close relationship that could mirror early experiences with a significant caregiver - including friendships.
If you’re seeing a lot of a person, and you’re very close to them, those triggers can very well come out.
How can we build more connection and understanding for our relationships to thrive?
Becoming conscious of and opening our hearts to our partner’s (or dear friend’s) wounds and unresolved issues can be the key to deepening our understanding and compassion.
Our blame and judgment can be monitored by these new insights, and we can move slowly but surely back towards the connection we long for.
Positive signs of evolution include both partners demonstrating a genuine desire to grow their relationship to experience more harmony and deeper connection.
Another way is leaning away from blame and towards a readiness to accept responsibility for your part in the conflicts or difficulties.
When both partners demonstrate a real sense of caring about each other’s happiness and wellbeing, positive change is under way.
Both partners in a relationship have the opportunity to open their hearts, to grow in compassion for themselves and for one another.
And ultimately, to become instrumental in helping to heal each other’s childhood wounds and unresolved issues.
