SPORTRITE - Mentally preparing for the long haka season

With Tim Eves
RIGHT then, put down your 12-gauge shotguns for a moment and consider the ramifications of tonight's Centenary League test in Sydney.
We don't want to ruffle too many feathers, especially after being reprimanded by the local branch of the NZ Fish and Game Council after apparently bringing duck shooters into disrepute last week for accusing them of killing ducks. But we still feel duty bound to enlighten you the masses that tonight's game is the start of another annual killing season.
Well, not so much a killing season, more of a "threatening to kill season". We refer, of course, to the haka season.
It all kicks off tonight when the Kiwis get the honour of firing the opening shot. It has been a while since the Kiwis have had the opening honours so feel the need to let them know that - just like the duck shooters - there is a strict timetable to follow here.
Last weekend the duck hunters were supposedly not meant to fire a shot before 6.30am. Reliable ear-witness reports told a very sad story starting at about 6.10am.
We hope the Kiwis don't behave like the boys in their maimai. The ramifications of firing off the haka 20 minutes before the official pay TV time slot could have international ramifications.
You can only imagine the ruckus that would ensue once the realisation dawns that the Kiwis are running out of the tunnel and assembling in haka formation bang smack in the middle of the pre-match dance routine of the lycra-clad Sydney cheerleading troupe.
You can see it now, Sonny Bill Williams mid-haka suddenly getting confused by the eye candy at his shoulder and, instead of delivering the traditional show-stopping leap of fear to end the war dance, produces a sexy high kick and hip flick before producing a coy wave to the boys in Bay 13 and heading to the sideline with a series of flick-flacks.
At least this time David Kidwell won't be there so Willie Mason won't get into trouble for mouthing obscenities. The fallout of pointing and mouthing (as Mason did last year when witnessing the Kiwis' haka): "What the f*** is that?" when there are 20 cheerleaders doing high kicks could be very serious indeed.
A premature haka would make an impact though and, let's face it, that's just what we're looking for from the opening performance of what is going to be very long and arduous haka season.
Perhaps it should be introduced Dancing With The Stars style by Jason Gunn: "Oh, and what a marvellous season we have in store for you....yes.... you, our haka fans. A cast of absolutely fantastic people will perform for you, and of course perform in front of our panel of judges. Let's welcome our haka stars to the stage now."
Well, OK, let's. A word of warning, rough calculations are that there will be something like 150 thumping hakas performed this season. Most of them live on the idiot box.
Following the Kiwis will be the All Blacks, the playing on non-champions, with an 18 test programme. Their season extends all the way to the UK in November.
In August we launch into the Beijing Olympics where the haka is very likely to be staged in the car park, departure lounge, at the customs desk and on the tarmac at Auckland Airport and, in all likelihood, in the aeroplane en route to China.
Once in China brace yourself for a guest star appearance from Dave Currie, New Zealand Olympic Chef de Mission, who has already proven himself quite a haka aficionado with regular performances of the traditional war dance at the Melbourne Commonwealth Games.
Dave and his crew will no doubt be belting out another ground-breaking routine on arrival at the Olympic Village, another at the flag-raising ceremony then several more at the mere sniff of a medal.
We hear big plans for an Olympic-specific haka were canned however, when several athletes were injured trying to do the new haka in their Crocs. They have instead decided to do shotgun-hakas on demand - freestyle.
This is apparently going to be a way of lodging their Tibetan protests.
But really there will only be one team of haka performers worth watching: The NZ Maori rugby team. The rest will struggle to impress the judges.