RUGBY - Now take your partners for the clog dancers' tango

In the circumstances, the Air NZ Cup rugby match between Northland and North Harbour yesterday was always going to be the dance of the desperate.
What nobody quite understood was that neither team had bought their dancing shoes and opted for their clown-clods instead.
In a madcap affair between the two poor cousins of the Blues Super 14 franchise, Northland beat North Harbour 35-24 in a confusing jumble of clueless rugby on a picture perfect afternoon at North Harbour Stadium in Albany.
It was a mind-boggling display that hovered somewhere between pretty ordinary and quite bizarre, but it was enthralling and the result means Harbour can now be permanently blotted from the quarterfinals reckoning.
Northland started with a roar of confidence, hooker Francis Smith bagging two tries in 10 minutes, his first just 20 seconds after referee Jonathon White had signalled the kick-off and his second after David Holwell and Justin Collins had worked some old school magic to open a gap.
But from there things went a bit wonky, sending, among others, Northland coach Mark Anscombe into dangerously emotional territory.
"We got up 14-0, which was uncommon ground for us, but then proceeded to play mindless rugby with no shape in it whatsoever. There was no direction, no targets for the forwards and we let them back in the game," Anscombe said.
"As a result they got a serious burst from me at halftime, the first one I've given them this season, and it worked. They came out and showed a bit of character and composure, and nailed it. That's quite outstanding really, but it was bloody hard work from the coach's box," he said.
Northland looked the better team though, with Derek Carpenter slipping through some spaces and the outstanding Rene Ranger a lingering threat on the right wing.
But when Harbour finally recovered from the early setbacks they soon reeled in the 14-0 scoreline through the counter attacking efforts of fullback Jack McPhee, who scored twice, and a well-worked try from a turnover from halfback Chris Smylie.
By halftime Harbour had converted the deficit into a 19-14 lead, but the tone of the game had been set, and the comical array of missed tackles, accidental turnovers and pop-gun tactics continued in the second spell.
Both teams had traded yellow cards in the first half. James Hincho, the Harbour hooker, had a rest after an early tussle in the forwards. Vainikolo was shown his card after a mindless shoulder charge on centre Nafi Tuitavake.
When Smith got his third touchdown, a remarkable achievement in the circumstances, Northland regained the lead. But the contest was far from over, there were more juggling acts to come from the entertainers.
First Gopperth missed a penalty attempt best described as a sitter, following on from the two kicks he doffed in the first spell, then Ranger dotted down from 50m out and suddenly Northland were in control.
The game started to resemble a thinking man's game from then on, with Northland holding the intellectual upper ground. But Harbour stayed in touch with a nice touchdown to winger Josh York setting up a madcap finish to a game that was lingering in the lunatic fringe anyway.
It took a piece of midfield magic from Carpenter, who was only just shaded by Ranger as the best of the Northland bunch, to finally swing the result. Carpenter glided through a hole to dot down, Holwell nailed his fifth conversion from five and the Taniwha stepped out to the game winning 35-24 lead.
• Northland 35 (Francis Smith 3, Rene Ranger, Derek Carpenter tries; David Holwell 4 cons). North Harbour 24 (Jack McPhee 2, Chris Smylie, Josh York tries; Jimmy Gopperth con).