Wyn Drabble: Your guide to not stalling at the new traffic lights

Get to a 90 per cent vax rate and we will operate under a new traffic light Covid system. Photo / NZME

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I think. I don't want to keep you in the dark so I'll try and throw some light on the matter.

We have a traffic light system designed to guide us safely.

Put very simply, it has three colours and each stands for something different: red means you must come to a complete standstill; green means you are probably safe to go unless there is some buffoon running a red on your crossroad; orange (or amber) means plant your foot and see if you can make it through before it turns to red.

Oops! Sorry, I think I've clarified the old traffic light system.

There is now a new one to replace the old alert level system and the details appear to be confusing many people.

Wyn Drabble ponders the new Covid traffic light system.

As you would expect, I'm here to help so let's sort out the confusion (though you need to remember that none of it will apply until we have reached 90 per cent vaccination target).

When we reach that goal, red will mean we must slow down a bit.

We will be encouraged to work from home and gatherings will be permissible but for the vaccinated only. There will be vaccination certificates but whether these will be open to abuse or fraud is yet to be seen.

There will be no gyms or hairdressers operating but I think drive-through (contactless) Kentucky Fried might be safe. Toilet paper will be on sale at supermarkets but speed is recommended because supply will be quickly snapped up. Though nobody really knows why.

I'm not sure but I think the red light dress code involves masks. Jandals can also be worn for a more casual look. Affix tab A to tab B and stir in the sifted dry ingredients. See! All relatively straightforward.

If the bulb hasn't blown, the orange light will come on when there is some Covid transmission but not enough to overwhelm the healthcare system. Measuring whether the system is "overwhelmed" will be done by ... I might need to get back to you on this one. One thing for sure is that you'll need to buy more toilet paper. Be quick.

A lot of venues and gatherings will be able to operate as long as they use vaccine certificates but how these will operate is still a little hazy. You're probably safe now to detach tab A from tab B but continue to fold in the sifted dry ingredients.

The green light (replacement bulbs readily available) means scanning in will still be required and masks will be needed on flights only. Smart casual is the appropriate dress code. Venues and businesses using vaccine certificates can operate freely with no limits but, to be on the safe side, it would still pay to keep an eye on your toilet paper supply levels.

For the green light to appear, hospitalisations will need to be "manageable" but I'll need to get back to you on how that will be measured (see "overwhelmed" above).

Bake in a moderate oven.

If this traffic light plan appeals to you and you're not yet vaccinated, you know what you need to do. Urgently.

I hope I've shown you that the system really is quite simple, so there's no need to panic.

If I appear to have glossed over a few details it's just because I ... okay, I'll admit I don't fully understand everything but they're only the minor details. I'm not going to sweat over those as I have my new little earner to focus on.

Please wave if you see me near the traffic lights in the town centre.
I'll be the one operating a pop-up toilet paper stall.